Things Sirius does
by Sirius-Loey
Summary: Sirius isn't all girls, boys and sex. There's a darker side to him. And he's trying his best to hide it. But you can never hide anything from your best friends for long. Well, maybe Peter. Mistakes and choices are made, so is the truth coming out? Blame it on the Whomping Willow and Snape's annoying curiosity. Self harm, abuse, near suicide I guess, mild sexual stuff.
1. Obliviate

**A/N So, this was in my head and I thought I'd put it out here.. Hope it isn't too bad ._.**

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Last Day Of Summer:

Sirius groaned loudly as his brother applied another bandage to his waist.

"Shhh, if they find out I'm in here we're both in trouble... Why do you have to go and set them off like that, Siri?" Regulus whispered, in the dim light he saw his brother gritting his teeth. It was the middle of the night and Sirius had had another encounter with his parents about his choice of friends.

"They don't have the right to chose who I'm friends with, who cares if they're half-bloods. I was just trying to get that point across." He replied, wincing as Regulus finished the job.

"Yeah, well what do they say about this?"

"They don't know.." Sirius mumbled. Regulus blinked, Sirius just shrugged. "They'd fuss."

"Right, so you'd get abused by Mother and Father about them, but you won't tell the friends for fear they would fuss? Or is it you don't want the sympathy?" He persisted.

"Reg, I'm tired... and I don't want you in trouble for being in here.." Settling back on the bed, Sirius closed his eyes.  
"Fine..but I think you should tell them, y'know..if they're so amazing."  
"Maybe." Sighing, Regulus crept towards the door.  
"Guess I'll talk to you after the feast then.." A sleepy 'K 'n' thanks' was all he got in reply.

3rd Month Back:

"Sirius...SIRIUS! Wake up!" James leapt out of his bed and hurried over to his thrashing, rather noisy, friend. Climbing onto the bed and avoiding getting hit in the face, James sat by his friend and shook his shoulder.

"Sirius mate... it's just a dream.." He lay down by Sirius and whispered comforting things in his ear. Eventually the boy relaxed and a pair of grey eyes shone in the darkness.

"Lo.." Sirius said.

"You gunna tell me what it was about this time? Or just keep me in the dark forever? I thought we were best friends Si.." James was getting tired of Sirius' constant excuses not to tell James what his nightmares were about.

Sirius cast around wildly.

"They...it...um.." He _had_ to say something as he knew how fed up James was getting that he wasn't sharing. Then he thought of something.

"Just.. getting cornered by a load of Slytherins..and Regulus is there and I can't move..." He trailed off, hoping that James would buy it.

"I think this calls for a prank, mate." Sirius sighed with relief at this.

"Everything calls for a prank with you, Prongs." James grinned at the use of his nickname. They had perfected their Animagi at the end of last year but hadn't had much fun on their own with them. Well, James and Peter had, as they and Remus had met up over the holidays. Sirius had been grounded as usual.

They spent the rest of the night plotting a prank to play on the Slytherins. Sirius wasn't as into it as usual, he was dwelling on his reoccurring nightmare of his parents attacking Reg for helping him, Sirius being unable to help.

During the early hours of the morning James drifted off into sleep while still on Sirius' bed. Remus lay listening on his bed, waiting for the familiar sounds, this time he would do something about it. Sirius slid off the bed, picking up his wand, he crept over to their shared bathroom. He took out the razor blade he kept hidden behind the mirror. Settling down in the shower cubicle, he slid his sleeve up and brought the blade to just below the crook of his arm. He felt the need for pain, he had had it nearly all his life after he became a bother to his parents. He watched as red streams trickled down the plug hole. Some part of him thought it was his fault that his parents hated him, thought he deserved what he got. But the rest of him over ruled that feeling. His mind flickered to Regulus, when it came to his little brother, he felt rather protective. They were a lot closer than people thought, putting on a show of disliking each other, only so that nothing got back to their parents. But in secret, they would meet up in a deserted place and talk about whatever came to mind. Regulus was the only one to ever witness Sirius crying and that was rare, Sirius liked to keep his emotions bottled up which led to the situation he was currently in. Again, Reg was the only one (sort of) to know about that side of his brother, knew that he needed it.

"Pads, this has to stop." On cue Remus entered the bathroom.

"Hi again Moony..." Sirius said looking up.

"Again?" said the werewolf, looking confused.

"Yeah, well it's not the first time you found me..and, I'm sorry.." Sirius set down the blade and drew his wand.

"Pad wha-?" But he was cut off by a faint glow of light and a muttered 'Obliviate'.

Sirius felt a pang of guilt as a dazed look swept over his friend's face.

"Stop coming to find me, stop working it out." He forced his thought into Remus' head as the spell was taking effect. The boy nodded his head dumbly.

"Now, go back to bed." Remus followed the command and left the bathroom.

Sighing Sirius cleaned up, put a strip of material over the new addition to his body and hid the razor blade then pulled down the sleeve of his pajama top.

He slipped back into bed and curled up by his, still snoring, best friend.

Just after he'd drifted off, he was being shaken awake again.

"Sirius c'mon, we're gunna be late!" Sirius groaned and turned over. The hangings were thrown open and sunlight hit him in the face.

"Fine! I'm up, I'm up, just close the bloody curtain!" Using a pillow to hide his face. James smirked.

"Remember last time?" He said. Sirius _did _remember last time and did _not_ fancy getting covered in smelly goo again. He shot out of bed and into the bathroom, grabbing his clothes on the way.

"Stay well away Potter". He yelled from behind the door, he heard James snort. After a shower he checked his arm was covered and got dressed. Making sure he looked casual and carefee in the mirror he sauntered out.

"What'd you get dressed in there for? I've seen it all before.." James smirked. Sirius threw his pillow at him.

"OI! ….You look tired.. I don't get why you wont see Pomfrey about these dreams.." A concerned look had replaced James' smirk.

"I'm fine, really... where are the other two?" He encouraged, putting on a grin.

"They've gone down already." His friend huffed.

"James, I swear I'm fine, lets go before we miss breakfast completely!" Sirius pulled the other boy towards the door.

"Y'know I'm sure there's something up wit Moony." James said as they hurried to the Great Hall. Sirius gulped.

"Is there? I haven't noticed.."

"Well seeing as you're up to your eyes in girls and guys, you wouldn't would you? But he seems a bit... zoned out lately.."

"Hey! Speak for yourself, how many girls did you get with last week?!"

"Only... 3.. If Evans would only accept my offers for a date then it would only ever be her you'd catch me making out with... Anyway that's besides the point, just look at Remus when no one's talking to him."

Just outside the Hall they passed Lily Evans coming out.

"Hey Evans, will yo-"

"No Potter, now go away before I hex you."

"Pfft touchy.." James tutted, walking on. Sirius snickered.

"If you stopped pestering her she might say yes y'know.." He remarked. They entered the hall and Sirius' eyes landed on Remus. He did look rather distant like he wasn't really there. Sirius felt rather guilty, but he couldn't let the werewolf find him out else he'd make a fuss and Sirius couldn't stand being fussed over. He hoped last night would be the last time. Sitting next to him, he gave the boy a nudge. He started.

"Oh! Hi Siri... I was...um.. how are you?" Remus frowned trying to put words together.

"I'm great, and not really that hungry..." He got up. "See you in class.." He got up and walked back to the doors feeling horrible. Should he tell someone what he'd done?

"Hey where're you going!?" James called after him but Sirius ignored him. Looking over at the Slytherin table, Sirius caught his brother's eye and held his little finger discretely against his arm. He saw Reg give a tiny nod. This was their sign to meet in a secret room behind a tapestry at the next upcoming break.

He queued up with the rest of his class outside the Transfiguration classroom. By the time his friends got there he was kissing a girl whose name he couldn't quite remember.

"Oi dogface!" Sirius broke the kiss and looked round, to see his three best friends, Remus looked distant again and Peter shuffled his feet. James stood with his hands on his hips and tapping his foot. He gave him a sheepish grin. His hair was ruffled and his tie was hanging loose.

"I'll see you later." He murmured to the girl who gave him a seductive smile and skipped off.

"Who was she?" Prongs demanded.

"Not too sure..." Sirius shrugged.

"Well what did you do to Moony? He seems to think he's constantly talking to you..!" Gesturing to the oblivious boy behind him.

The smile fell off Sirius' face.

"I didn't do anything.. maybe it's a Slytherin joke.. I'll take him to Pomfrey..." Grabbing Remus by the elbow he strode away calling back over his shoulder;

"Tell Minnie I'll catch up later!"


	2. Nightmares, Werewolves and Quidditch

**A/N ; Tell me what you think? Pwease?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and I wouldn't to :)**

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5 Minutes later they entered the nearly empty room, Sirius dragging Moony behind him.

"Helloooo?" Sirius called. "Madam Pomfreyyyy?"

Her saw her come bustling out of her office.

"Mr. Black, what is it this time?"

"I..umm.. well.." Now he was here, he realised he hadn't thought of what to say. For Moony's sake he decided on the truth.

" Well, see, he kept discovering something I didn't want him to, so...I Obliviated him every time he found out." Sirius gulped. " I didn't mean anything like this to happen, but he keeps thinking he's talking to me and stares off into space.."

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Alright Black, leave him to me, I've seen worse cases." She sat Remus on a bed and went to a cabinet full of potions. Sirius sat by Remus and twiddled his thumbs.

"Right," she said coming out with a cyan coloured potion. "This will bring him back to Earth but it'll also bring back what you tried to erase." Sirius stared. _Crap._ He thought, but nodded at her anyway.

She got Moony to drink the potion, which was a bit of a struggle trying to get his attention. He lay on the bed and closed his eyes and started snoring. Sirius gave the lady a concerned look but she said that she'd mixed with a sleeping potion to make it easier for him.

"So, Mr Black.." Sirius shuddered.

"Sirius is fine.." She pursed her lips.

"If you insist.. why did you feel the need to keep wiping poor Mr Lupin's mind? Considering it's against the rules you better have a good explanation."

"This is.. confidential.. right?"

"Unless it's life threatening, yes." Sirius felt uncertain, but he didn't want the Headmaster involved.

"I do this..." He rolled his sleeve up enough so that she could see faint marks of old cuts. " And I didn't want him to make a fuss and it was all I could think to do." He looked at her nervously.

She sighed.

"Sirius, who knows?"

"Um.."

"Sirius." She said more sternly.

"Mybrotherdoes," he gabbled. She nodded looking thoughtful. "Don't tell? Please, I don't want the questions or sympathy or whatever people get for doing this.. and you won't tell what I did to Remus will you? I'll run away if you do.." He asked desperately. Madam Pomfrey was unsure what to do.

"I _will_ tell the Headmaster what happened, but not of why, and you will have detention with me every Sunday afternoon until Christmas." Sirius sighed with relief. His heart sank at thought of going home for Christmas. A groan made him look round.

"Hey Moony.."

"I'll leave you two alone, go back to class when you're ready." Madam Pomfrey left to go to her office. Sirius looked at Moony still feeling guilty.

"Didn't know you knew that spell.." The boy said with a small smile.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean that to happen to you, I just..." He stared at his shoes, unsure of what to say.

"It's alright Pads... I understand." Sirius cringed, he didn't like the way Moony was always ready to forgive them. It was like he was worried they'd stop being his friend if he got even tiny bit mad at them. Seeing his reaction, Remus sat up and hugged him tight.

"I won't tell, and just to make you feel better, yeah, I'm a bit pissed." Sirius laughed a bit at that and hugged him back. "Why d'ya do it Sirius?"

He froze, that was the question he had been dreading. He pulled back from Moony.

"C'mon... James is probably bored stiff." Pulling the boy up by his wrist he dragged him out of the Wing. "See ya Madam P!" He called. They didn't say anything until the got to their classroom. James looked very relieved to see them. Muttering a hurried apology to McGonagall he took his seat next to James and Remus sat next to Sirius.

"Alright then Moony? You seemed a bit out of it recently.." James muttered.

"Yeah, m'fine, just a bit ill..must be cos the full moon is in a few days..." He replied. Yet again, James bought his friend's cover up.

At break, Sirius made an excuse to his mates and dashed off to the tapestry. Regulus was there waiting.

He threw his bag into the corner and sat down, Reg came to sit by him.

"Pomfrey knows.."

"You told her?"

"I had to."

"Oh?" Sirius sighed.

"Remus kept working me out, so I Obliviated him every time he found me, he was out of it today so I took him to the Wing and Madam Pomfrey needed to know stuff.. I have detention every Sunday afternoon til Christmas."

"Christmas.." Reg mused. "Bet you're really looking forward to that.."

"Can't wait.." He said sarcastically.

"You and Remus will be fine, maybe you can tell him about home too?" Sirius looked at him.

"Then what? He can't help, and if anyone tried to press charges, who do you think will win? Then who will be punished for it happening?" Regulus sighed.

"I think you're over thinking Si.."

"No, I'm being realistic. There aren't happy endings." The bell rang for next lesson.

"I'll see you later Sirius." Regulus said getting up. Sirius nodded and leaned his head back against the wall. "It'll fire back on you one day, this secrecy..." He heard his brother say as he left.

On the night of the full moon Sirius, James and Peter waited in the common room for everyone to head off to bed.

"C'mon then." James muttered, pulling out his invisibility cloak. Peter Transformed into his rat shape and Sirius picked him up. James threw the cloak over them both and the headed out of the portrait hole, getting a funny look and grumblings from the Fat Lady.

Once out in the grounds, James shoved the cloak into his pocket and Sirius set down Peter so they could transform too. Sirius felt free as a dog, he bounded around, snapping at the hooves of the stag. They got to the Whomping Willow and Padfoot and Prongs waited for Wormtail to press the knot. As the tree froze, Sirius slipped past and went down the tunnel, leaving the other two outside. He found the wolf in the corner of the bedroom, chewing a chair leg and whining. Sirius gave a short bark and headed back down the tunnel, the werewolf in his wake.

Both of them came out of the tunnel and into the cool night air. Throwing back it's head, the wolf howled. Sirius had always rather admired how striking the werewolf was. It's fur shone in the moonlight, looking sleek and soft.

Then they ran.

Moony took off into the night, the other three sped off to catch him up. They ran for hours, or it felt that way to Sirius, but he didn't care, he was free..he could run forever. Finally the wolf stopped in a clearing. Sirius knew what was coming, the wolf had pent-up frustration to let out. He saw Prongs bow his head, Sirius growled and took some steps forward, Peter seemed to be keeping out of the way. Just as the wolf lashed out at the stag, it was hit by the antlers and flew back a few paces. Almost instantly it was back on it feet and advancing on them. Sirius stood so Prongs was behind him and he bared his teeth, the creature leapt forward with more vigour and swiped harshly at Padfoot who moved out of the way, but didn't see the other paw that hit him in the chest. He skidded sideways and lay panting on the ground trying to get his breath. He felt a stinging pain where he'd been hit but had no time to check himself as Moony was already heading for Prongs who stood defiantly with his head bowed still. Sirius struggled up, he had to protect James. He remembered the last time, James had had twisted ankle for a week and now had an ugly scar on his thigh. They'd had to conceal it from Remus as they knew he would over react with his guilty feelings and not want them to come again.

He bounded forward, barking, and ran straight into the wolf. They landed in a heap on the ground, Sirius clawed for all he was worth, but the wolf was powerful. He could feel himself running out of energy as he tried to keep James from harm. Sounds were dull in his ear and his vision swam, Moony was gone. Looking around he saw the stag thrown into a tree before he slid into blackness.

He woke to the sound of his name.

"Sirius...Sirius..." He groaned and heard someone sigh in relief. Opening his eyes he found himself on his bed in his dorm. It was still dark, he figured it must be early morning.

"You alright mate? How many fingers?" James wafted his hand in front of his face. He was sat on the bed by him.

"Three." He sat up, wincing slightly. He was still in his school stuff . He felt slightly relieved.

"What were you thinking Pads? You know how he is after his run!" Sirius felt awkward.

"I didn't want anything happening to you..." He mumbled. James sighed in exasperation.

"Well, as touching as that is you got some cuts and scratches and hit your head. You didn't seem to be bleeding anywhere else..but I'll let you check that one."

"Maybe later...What about you?" Sirius asked. Feeling his side he found his ribs felt bruised, probably from getting rammed by Moony.

"A few broken ribs.. he threw me against a tree. But I'm _fine_." He added before Sirius could say anything.

"You do realise you have Quidditch this weekend, right?"

"Yeah, but so do you.."

"I know, but I'll be fine to play.." James frowned.

"You sure?"

"Positive. Where's Pete anyway?"

"Flat out on the couch downstairs, guess rats don't have as much energy as we do.."

"How did I get..?" He didn't need to finish though, James knew what he was asking.

"I, er, carried you back." This made Sirius feel even more uncomfortable.

"Oh.. cheers... um..'time is it?" He asked trying to get off the subject.

"'Bout 4am." James lay down on one side of the bed and yawned. Sirius laughed, then winced again. He kicked off his shoes and lay back. Sirius rubbed his head, feeling a lump.

"Hope Moony doesn't notice.. you get him back to the Shack okay?" But James was already snoring. Sirius rolled his eyes and curled up by his friend. He fell asleep to the sound of James' light snores.

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬  
Screams and cheers filled the air as the Gryffindor team flew onto the pitch. Sirius grinned and winked at the stands and saw some girls blush and giggle. It earned him a smirk from James who flew beside him. He saw Peter and Remus watching them. It was two day after the full moon, Sirius and James hadn't let on what the wolf had done but made out it was a good time.

They hovered above Madam Hooch and waited for her to start the game. He didn't quite hear what she had to say, but he heard James mutter 'Play safe, yeah?' in his ear. He'd got a bit cocky in the last game against Slytherin and had been cornered by the other beaters. Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the balls were released. The sky was a blur of red and green. Sirius gripped his beaters bat and flew off. He saw James already high and looking for the Snitch. Seeing the bludger heading towards him, he raised his bat and swung at it, the ball shot off in the direction of one of the Slytherin chasers. He heard a hiss from the greens below as it just missed it's target. He was on the move again keeping away from the greens, and dodging flying bodies. He saw one of the beaters aim a bludger at James and bent low on his broom to gain speed. Just before the offending object got to his best friend, he shoved the bat under his arm (there was no room or time to swing it) and caught the bludger against his chest. He let out a wheezy yelp and the momentum took him backwards, nearly hitting James.

"Sirius! You okay?!"

"James... fucking...fly!"

"Oh, right." He heard a whooshing noise and felt it safe to let go of the struggling object. It zoomed off into the game. Sirius panted for a moment and held his ribs. _Ugh that can't have helped.._he thought. Flying off again he hit the bludgers several times, knocking the opposition off balance. He could hear the screams of the admiring girls below him and shook his head with a smile.

He saw the two Seekers dive. Stopping in mid air, he watched as they got closer to the ground. He could see James reaching out for the Snitch, the Slytherin Seeker must have known he wasn't going to make it because he suddenly flew at an angle that made James smack into the stands. Sirius flinched and flew straight towards where James had landed.

He got there before the others and landing next to him he saw a golden ball in his hand.

"Way to go mate." He grinned. James stared up at him and smiled before passing out. Turning round he drew his wand and sent a well aimed hex at the Slytherin Seeker.

"MR BLACK stop this instant!" Professor McGonagall was hurrying towards them.

"Sorry Minnie.." He pocketed his wand seeming satisfied that the Seeker was now sprouting purple fur. "He didn't play fair."

"Get Mr Potter to the Hospital Wing." She grumbled. " And 10 Points from Gryffindor."

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**a/n; Please review? I dunno if I'm making a pigs ear of this or not ^^ anyway..more to come:)**


	3. Foghorn

**Pleeease review! pretty please?**

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3 hours later, James woke to see Sirius sleeping in a chair next to his bed in the Hospital Wing. He gave a mischievous grin, getting his wand off the bedside table, he conjured a foghorn. Holding it near Sirius' head he let it off. The noise was deafening, Sirius fell out of the chair with a yelp and landed in a heap on the floor. Madam Pomfrey came rushing out of her office and stood with her hands on her hips.

" I should have know that would be you Potter."

Sirius scrambled off the floor and onto the bed, swearing under his breath.  
"Sorry Madam P..." James smirked. "It's just Sirius looked too comfortable." Sirius grumbled, Madam Pomfrey glared then thrust a potion into his hand.  
"Drink. You had a cracked skull and a broken wrist, all healed. I also fixed your ribs, you did know some were broken, yes? I don't know _what_ you boys get up to.. Drink that, Pepper Up potion. I'll be back in a half hour to check you're okay to leave." And with that she strode back to her office.  
"Crikey," said Sirius. "What did you do to piss her off?"  
"Maybe it was the foghorn." He grinned.  
"Yeah.. Delightful." He rubbed the back off his neck. "Do it again and you'll find yourself hanging upside down in the girls dorm." James sniggered at that, catching the look on his face, Sirius carried on to say; "Then you'll have Evans' wrath to deal with." He smiled satisfactorily when James cringed.  
"You better drink that before she's back yeno.. Don't want her crabbier than she is." James looked at the potion in his hand, then back at Sirius. Uncorking it and holding his nose, he drank it in one.  
"Gahh that's nasty!" James managed to get out before having a coughing fit. Sirius set aside the empty flask before anything got broken then carried on to thump James on the back. Once he stopped coughing, he flopped down onto the bed, landing half in Sirius' lap. Using his fingers, Sirius made James' mouth into funny shapes and tried to suppress a laugh. "This one suits you." James batted his hand away.  
"Anything suits me," he said with a cocky grin.  
"Mm yeah.. I can totally see Snivelly's hair on you."  
"Oh gross! Don't! ..Okay, anything but Snape!" Sirius snorted.  
"Looking forward to going home then?" James asked. Sirius' face fell but he quickly plastered on a smile.  
"I guess, y'know, family and all..you?" He felt sick pretending to James that things weren't that bad at home. He'd tell him.. In time.. Not today..  
"Yeah, we're going to France, I'll write you a 'post card', as the muggles call them."  
"Oh yeah, I've heard of those." He even had a couple stuck up in his room with a permanent sticking charm. Just to wind up his parents.  
"You'll have to give me your address though.."  
"Oh, I..." But before Sirius could finish the sketchy sentence, Madam Pomfrey came hurrying back. Checking James was mostly healed, she let him go, but to be safe she put a support bandage on James' wrist. Rolling his eyes, they left the infirmary.  
"Wanna stop at the kitchens?" Sirius asked.  
"Ooo yeah, I'm starving." So they headed down.  
The house elves gave them a plate of sandwiches and some crisps to take back with them. They decided on sharing it with the rest of the Marauders instead of eating on the way back. James nibbled and picked at ones that stuck out and eventually Sirius took the pile off him.  
There were cheers as the two school Quidditch stars came through the portrait hall. On the way up to the dorms they were patted on the back and some girls kissed their cheeks, James blushed but Sirius winked and said he'd get back to them soon.  
Up in the dorm the four boys ate and chatted until 2am when they dosed off, Sirius and Remus on his bed and the other two on Sirius'.

Sirius stayed awake, thinking over things and dreading Christmas. He sat up with the need to cut. Looking at the sleeping form of Remus, he eased himself off the bed and padded to the bathroom. Remus' eyes cracked opened. Fishing out the blade again he settled in his usual spot and pulled his sleeve up.  
He watched the blood trickle away.  
"Sirius..." He looked up.  
"Hey Rem.." Remus looked sad and sympathetic. Sirius hated it, unmoving he stared at Remus from his spot in the shower.  
"You look like you wanna say something... You can say it." He waited. Remus took a few steps forward and slid down next to him.  
"Why d'ya do it Si? Don't you have another release, for... Whatever it is?"  
"No Rem. And I'm not talking about it, okay?" He got up and went to the sink.  
"Aren't you gunna heal that?"  
"..No.." He heard Remus sigh. "It's just.. Mmm never mind" He pulled out a bandage he kept in the cabinet and went to tie it round.  
"Here let me.." Remus had got up, but Sirius shook him off.  
"I can do it." He backed off with a sad look.  
"Rem it's just... Good. I can't explain it. I need it." Using his teeth to help him, he tied the material round.  
"C'mon..." Sirius sighed, trudging back to Remus' bed. Collapsing on to it he stared at the ceiling. He felt the older boy lie down beside him.  
"Remind me I have a date with that Ravenclaw tomorrow?" Sirius whispered into the dark, trying to break the tension. He heard Remus let out a quiet laugh.  
"Yeah Pads, alright...this must be what? The 8th person this week?"  
"Yeah but, there's no problem with that, right?"  
"There wouldn't be much of one if it was just kissing." Sirius turned over to face him. He grinned.  
"Yeaaaah, and what?" Remus sighed.  
"It'll backfire on you one day yeno. You'll end up sleeping with someone's girlfriend or boyfriend, and we'll have to come and save your naked ass."  
Sirius tried to laugh as quietly as possible, but it came out as a series of barking sounds.  
"Shuttit!" Grumbled a sleepy voice from the next bed.  
"Sorry.." Moony whispered. Sirius was still chuckling. He closed his eyes.  
Almost instantly he was back in his nightmare. He was tied to the wall and was watching his parents beat Regulus, He screamed at them to stop and thrashed at his bonds.  
"STOP IT! LEAVE HIM!" He was screaming at them. It was his brother, he couldn't let this happen. Why did Regulus have to suffer for only helping him?!  
The younger boy fell to the floor, there was blood pooling beneath him.  
"NO! YOU BASTARDS!"  
He heard a voice in his head..'Sirius... Padfoot... C'mon.. It's alright.' He wanted to tell the voice to fuck off cos it wasn't alright, his brother was dying on the floor. But how can you tell an imaginary voice to fuck off? He was still struggling but the room was fading. He panicked but still couldn't move.  
He opened his eyes, it was early morning and faint sunlight was streaming into the dorm. Looking to his left he saw the bleary eyed face of James. He felt bile rise in his throat, getting off the bed in a flash he was vomiting into the toilet. James and Remus came in. Remus sporting a bleeding nose, James crouched beside Sirius and moved his shoulder length shaggy black hair out of the way.  
When Sirius was done, he sat back against the wall.  
"You can't tell me that was the Slytherins now, Siri, what was that about?" James said. Looking up Sirius saw Remus finishing cleaning up his nose.  
"Shit, sorry Rem." He said hoarsely.  
"S'fine Sirius, just tell us what it was about?" Sirius thought hard.  
"Pit of snakes.." He mumbled.  
"You have some _weird_ dreams, mate" James replied. Sirius gave him a small smile, feeling glad his friend was so gullible. Remus looked at him curiously before turning back to the mirror.  
Feeling exhausted, he told his friends he was going back to bed. His own bed was still occupied by Peter so he lay on James' bed and drew the hangings. He didn't sleep but lay awake, staring at nothing. The others tiptoed around him throughout the day, when they were up there. When it got to the afternoon, he got up, washed and dressed. Then headed down to the Hospital Wing.

Madam Pomfrey had him changing sheets and cleaning up for 3 hours before she let him go. He was about to open the doors when she said;  
"How's the situation Sirius?" He gulped.  
"Fine.. It's fine.. I'm stopping actually." This was a downright lie. He could see she wasn't sure whether to believe him but seemed to give him the benefit of the doubt.  
"On your way then, and hope then next time is see you is only on Sunday. I've had enough of your gang in here to last a month." Sirius waved and left. Then raced off to find his date.

The time before Christmas was spent playing pranks, working on the Marauders map (which included midnight escapades) and playing Quidditch. They had recently learnt silencing charms so Sirius had been using them on his bed every night before he went to sleep.  
He tried to take his mind off them by amusing himself with hexing Snape. James joined him and they had fun, along with the pranks on the Slytherins. His favourite was where they set Dung Bombs off in the Dungeons and watched the Slytherins cough and their eyes water. Then the boys' clothes turned into long silk dresses. The yelps of horror sent the two Marauders into fits of laughter as the watched from round the corner.  
The next full moon went smoothly after the one in November. The wolf didn't seem so frustrated and was more whiney, as though it was hurting for someone.

Before he knew it, he was at Kings Cross and saying bye to his friends.  
"See you soon mate."  
"Have a good Christmas."  
"Maybe you should talk to your parents about your.. 'need'" Remus muttered in his ear as he gave him a rough hug. He felt Sirius flinch, was there some he was hiding?  
"Uh.. Yeah.. Maybe... Bye Remus" He said letting go. Walking over to Regulus who was waiting a little way away with a pair of sincere couple who looked rather uncomfortable, as though they were in a cockroaches nest. Then the four of them left the station.

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**plsplsplsplsplsplspls? :)))**


	4. Hell House

"Sirius take the trunks upstairs and don't make a sound." This was the first thing Mrs Black had said to Sirius since they were picked up from the station. "Then I want you back downstairs, dressed smart for inspection. The Malfoys are coming for dinner." Sirius groaned and felt a slap on his cheek. Trying to pick up both the trunks, Sirius headed upstairs.

Manoeuvring through the corridor was tricky with just the one suitcase. So he set down the other one and attempted to ease through the narrow, ornament filled corridor without knocking anything.

Alas, Sirius heard the resounding crash of the vase as it his the floor.  
"Shitshitshitshit..." He muttered, setting down the trunk and trying to pick up the pieces. Scrabbling about on the floor he heard Regulus come to find out what the noise was.  
"Crap Si-"  
"SIRIUS BLACK WHAT WAS THAT CRASH?!"  
Sirius cringed. Reg bent down to help him pick the pieces up. They couldn't use magic because their parents confiscated them when they got into the car. Sirius had been Crucio'd for trying to get his back one year although he'd been to scared to tell anyone. He hadn't tried again.  
Mr Back came storming up the stairs looking red in the face with a cup of fresh tea. Regulus gave Sirius an apologetic look before giving him a kick and snarling.  
"Stupid idiot!" Mr Black nodded in agreement.  
"Get UP!" He bellowed at Sirius. "How DARE you break a Black family air-loom!" He threw the tea over Sirius whose eyes watered against the burning.  
"Sorry Sir." He said not looking at his father.  
"LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!" He grabbed Sirius chin and forced it to face him before swinging his fist back to punch Sirius in the eye. Sirius stumbled back a few steps but didn't say a word. He kept eye contact with his Father, giving him a stony look.  
"Take. The. Trunks. To. The. Rooms." He seethed.  
"Yes Father." Sirius drawled.  
"Those good for nothing friends of you teaching you bad attitude."  
"Will you shut UP about my friends!" Sirius shouted. "It's my FUCKING CHOICE who I'm friends with and I don't care about their blood status or who their parents are!"  
He should have regretted saying those words, but he didn't, he felt proud.  
Sirius' father dragged him into the nearest empty room by his ear.  
Regulus knew what was coming. He took their trunks to their rooms and went on to sit on Sirius' bed with a medi-kit.  
Fifteen minutes later Sirius was holding himself up by the door handle. Regulus ran over, Sirius gave him a lopsided grin to show he wasn't phased.  
"Sirius.. I mean... Really?!..You _had _to go and say that!" He muttered. Closing the door quietly he helped his brother onto his bed.  
Sirius lay staring at the ceiling.  
"Alright, show me.." The younger boy commanded. Sirius sighed and pulled up and inch of his shirt.  
"Sirius, not helping!" He sighed. Reaching forward he lifted the shirt over Sirius' head. The older boy pulled his arms from it and raised his head, wincing.  
"Oh Merlin, are these curse wounds?" Sirius nodded. His chest sported three long gashes.  
"Y'know if you get caught I'll never forgive myself, right? Cos I'll survive if you don't help." Reg glared at him. "Okay..."  
He set about cleaning Sirius, he covered the worst ones and left the others. He also put cream on his blackening eye so that it was less obvious.  
"That'll have to do, the Malfoys will be here soon and Mother will through a fit if we aren't ready."  
"I really hate that suit.." Regulus rolled his eyes.  
"Of all the things..." He got up and fished out Sirius' suit from his tiny wardrobe. It contained 5 t-shirts and 2 shirts which were for special occasions as well as a dull green set of dress robes (which he loathed). 2 pairs of blue jeans, 1 pair of shorts and 1 pair of smart trousers. A black jumper, dark green blazer and 3 pairs of shoes. Sirius took the dress robes, t-shirt jeans and jumper along with 2 pairs of shoes with him to Hogwarts. Reg had unpacked them while waiting for him.  
He threw the blazer, white shirt and smart black trousers towards the bed where they landed on Sirius' face.  
"Ompff, hey!"  
"Just put them on Si," he said. Sirius huffed.  
"I don't wanna mooove!" He was quite comfortable where he was and it didn't hurt an awful lot like this.  
"Sirius."  
"Okok!" He sat up. "Nope nope nope.." He lay back down. "Say I'm ill..."  
"When has that _ever_ worked?"  
"Try?"  
"Ugh no, here, sit up just a bit, yeah?" He picked up his brothers shirt and undid some of the buttons.  
"Right lift up a bit..." Reg helped him into his shirt. "Keep the blazer done up just incase yeah?" Sirius nodded and wriggled out of and into his smart trousers. He stood up and made a face. Reg looked worried but Sirius smiled reassuringly and said; "I'm fine, I'm fine." He picked up his blazer and eased into it, doing it half way up, he rolled up the sleeves.  
"Maybe you ought to roll them down a bit." Reg said gesturing at the criss crosses on Sirius' arm.  
"Oh right, yeah.." He said and rolled them down to just above his wrists. He looked up to see his brother holding out a tie.  
"Oh bloody hell, no way! I hate that thing!" Sirius protested.  
"Sirius you don't want to risk not passing the inspection, you know what happens if you don't.." Regulus warned.

Sirius cringed and took the tie.

"Do I have to do it all the way up? Like..smart smart?"

"Yes Si.." The older boy stuck his tongue out in disgust. "Yuck..."

"It'll be yuck if you don't.." Sirius started putting the tie on, when he was fairly satisfied it was a mix between casual and smart he turn to his brother.

"Happy?" Reg moved forwards and adjusted his brothers tie so it was up to the collar with the button done up.

"Ugh but it's so uncomfortable!" Regulus rolled his eyes.

"_You're_ uncomfortable!" Sirius scowled. "Well I'll see you downstairs, _behave_! Okay?" Then he turned and left the room. The older boy trudged downstairs.

As soon as he entered the kitchen he was dragged by his mother into the centre of the room.

"Right, turn." He rotated on the spot slowly then stood to face his mother. She looked as though she wanted to find something wrong with his attire but thanks to his brother, he was allowed to go and stand waiting in the lounge. Sirius stood by the Mahogany coffee table and stared into space. He could feel one of the cuts sticking to his shirt and tried his hardest not to scratch it.

His brother came in followed by his mother a few moments later, he was wearing a deep green velvet suit and a black bow-tie. Sirius did his best not to laugh. The three of them stood beside the coffee table and said nothing. Regulus didn't look at him. They knew he would have to be on Lucius' side if he made any snide remarks towards Sirius. If the Malfoy boy did, Sirius had a couple of ideas that would a) get him into trouble and b) get back at Lucius. He heard his father open the front door and welcome the guests.

The four of them entered the lounge. Sirius always hated this bit, he was not one to bow to people he didn't respect. Bending himself only slightly, he bowed.

"As I'm sure you remember this is our darling son Regulus." His mother drawled. Sirius just stared blankly at the wall ahead. "And this is Sirius."

"Oh yes, Lucius is in the same year as Sirius at school. He's told us many stories." Mr Malfoy said rather stiffly.

"Sirius go and check on Kreacher. Now." His father said, feeling there was some tension brewing. Sirius nodded glumly and headed for the kitchen.

"Don't even think about it Kreacher, I've been told to get out of the way." He sat on a chair and watched the hunched creature bustle around doing the food. After a while the adults entered the kitchen and Sirius' mother motioned for him to get out. Not looking at any of them, he left. Sulkily he re-entered the lounge, upstairs being out of bounds while they had guests. Throwing himself onto the sofa, he folded his arms and stared at the ceiling.

"What's the matter Black, cat got your tongue?" Lucius sneered. He must have missed the previously asked question. He stuck his middle finger up at the long haired blond boy absentmindedly.

"What so Pig-head Potter, Plundering Pettigrew and Royal-ass Lupin aren't here so you just resort to muggle swearing? Oooooh how terrible of you."

"Watch it, Malfoy, or you might lose your appetite. And you insults are getting worse"

"Such a big man without your pathetic little gang aren't you." Sirius saw Regulus staring at his feet next to Malfoy, who wasn't paying attention to him. He felt slightly sorry for his brother. He knew he couldn't be on both sides for much longer, the Slytherins were very persuading, but he was doing his best and Sirius was grateful.

"Malfoy, I'm advising you to shut the fuck up. Now."

"Or what? You'll get your mother on me? A mother who despises her own son because he cant hold up the family name, because he's a stupid Gryffindor, and he's friends with pathetic imbeciles." At the next mention of his friends Sirius was about to leap at Malfoy, but at that moment his mother came in and told them that the food was ready. Sirius was fuming, he hated people bad mouthing the few people he cared about in the world. Making an excuse that he needed the loo he dashed off and found his secret stash of prank equipment. He selected a vile of stink sap and ran back off to join his family


	5. Deck the Halls

**Reviewwwww? :)))) thanksss**

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The six of them were stood in the kitchen talking, when Sirius entered he got cold look from his father. He saw three places set at the end of the table where he and regulus always sat, it was obvious that Malfoy was to sit in the middle as all child guests did. The soup was already out at the places, he edged round the table with his back to it and, without looking, poured some stink sap into Lucius' bowl. Feeling smug he pocketed the container and stood waiting. He could feel his brother looking at him and he avoided his gaze.

They settled down to their places and Sirius dug into his soup, counting down. On cue and loud cough and splutter could be heard, then some wheezing. Looking up, Sirius saw Lucius red in the face and coughing madly. He smirked. Mr and Mrs Black were shrieking and ordered Kreacher to get water. He looked at Regulus and grinned.  
"You! You did this to my baby! How DARE you!" Mrs Malfoy screamed. She looked rather pale and had jumped up to try and help her son by whacking his back. This only resulted in more wheezing. Kreacher was trying to offer the boy some water but Lucius' eyes were streaming and he couldn't quite see. Mr Black hoisted Sirius up by his ear. He shoved him face first against the wall and yanked his hair so that his head came back and was looking his father in the eyes. Lucius was still slightly coughing but was staring at what was going on, water in hand. Regulus was gazing at the opposite wall.  
"Sirius. What. Do. You. Say?!" Mr Black ordered, pulling on Sirius' hair with each word. He could feel his eyes watering.  
"Don't say anything against my friends you wanker!" At this, Reg put his head in his hands while no ones' attention was on him.  
Sirius was flung to the floor. He swept his hair from his eyes and glared at them all. Mr Malfoy was fuming, as was Mr Black. His mother was trying to calm Mrs Malfoy, who was nearly having a panic attack, although the drama was over.  
"Apologise! You no good filthy piece of SHIT!" His father bellowed. Sirius just glared. The two men looked at each other. Lucius was smirking.  
"I have no complaints if you, yourself, would like to punish him." Orion Black stated to the other man.  
"If you're sure. We usually find that Crucio works as a suitable punishment?"  
"Yes we've used that in the past, only briefly although he's rather hard to control." Sirius just gaped. He was half sat up, but now scrambled to his feet.  
"I'll report you this time." He hissed.  
"And who will believe you I wonder?" Mr Malfoy said. "We have connections to useful authority figures and are quite well known to the Ministry for our donations."  
Sirius stood his ground. The man drew his wand.  
"Cruc-" Sirius didn't hear the rest of the spell. Every nerve in his body was on fire, burning, burning so hot and it wouldn't go away. He felt himself fall to the floor but he refused to scream, refused to beg. He jerked and twitched, he scratched, trying to make it go away. His nails felt sticky, but he couldn't get rid of the pain and the burning. Someone was laughing, he could hear it, faintly in the distance. It felt like eternity. He couldn't even remember his name.  
Then it was gone.  
Sirius lay there, panting.  
"Now, what do you say?" His father asked him. Both men were looking rather pleased with themselves. Lucius was still smirking. Sirius knew he had to. And he hated it.  
"Shlorry." He hissed, his mouth seemed to be disobeying him and his words didn't sound right.  
"Now get out!" Orion growled, deciding they may have over done it. Sirius was already half way to the door beige he had finished his sentence.  
"You're all SHLICK!" He called over his shoulder. He ducked as a number of curses followed him out.  
Sirius stumbled upstairs and collapsed onto his bed. He stared at the ceiling and watched pretty colours dance across it.  
Some time later he heard his door creak. He turned his head and saw a green dragon enter. He stared. feeling wary, he backed away slightly.  
"Sirius? They've gone.." The dragon growled.  
It slinked forward to the bed. The older boy tried to remember who Sirius was, the name sounded familiar. So did the voice. He was Sirius. So then his brother was a dragon?  
"Regulus...are you an Animagus?"  
"What? No..?" Then there was a hand on his arm. Blinking several times Sirius tried to concentrate on his brother. The dragon faded to a boy.  
"They had you under for about 5 minutes or so.. No wonder you didn't see me properly.." Sirius curled up in a ball and his brother sighed and patted his head.  
"You brought it on yourself. It's the first night back and look what's happened!"  
Sirius muttered something incoherent.  
"What?"  
"I want James.." He said a little louder.  
"Well you'll have to make it through Christmas first.." They say there in silence, Sirius fell asleep curled up next to his brother. Regulus left to go to his room before their parents came in to check on them. He looked round Sirius' room as he left, he saw the giant Gryffindor banner and the muggle girls wearing no all that much, and the pictures of motorbikes. But the ones that stood out most were the ones of his friends, they littered his walls, smiling and waving from all angels.  
He wondered what Sirius had nightmares about, Sirius never told him. Regulus had to keep an ear open at night incase he heard Sirius starting one. His parents hadn't taken kindly to their traitorous son waking them up at night with his shouting. So, since he was young, he had slept lightly and when he heard the signs, he would go to Sirius and wake him up. Then they would talk for a bit until Sirius fell back to sleep and Reg would go back to his to next door.  
Regulus decided that one day, he would find out what caused Sirius the distress.

Christmas passed horribly slowly for Sirius, there was their annual Christmas party. Sirius was made to make an appearance and go straight to bed. He didn't care. What he did care about was when Regulus got something wrong and got a slap across the face. Sirius hated seeing this happen to his little brother, he had to do his best to restrain from doing anything except pretending to look rather pleased. He really wanted to punch them in the face.  
Another thing was on Christmas day, every year when the owls delivered presents from his friends, they were put in a pile outside and burned. He had to make up excuses as to why he hadn't brought them with him next term. Apart from them, he didn't get a thing from anyone, except Reg who usually snuck him some chocolate frogs or some other kind of sweet. He'd never given James his address so he didn't get a 'postcard'. Sirius had asked his friends not to owl him often, his parents didn't like him keeping contact with them and had forbidden it. Although he did get the occasional one when his parents were out.  
He made a few mistakes over Christmas such as dropping a glass goblet and getting mud on the carpet which earned him another black eye, a burn, no food or whatever his parents felt appropriate.  
Sirius spent most of Christmas in his room, except when he was needed downstairs or there was a meal.  
One day when his parents had taken Regulus shopping to spend some Christmas money, Sirius left the house and decided to go for a wonder around muggle London. They had a city house hidden from the muggle world.  
He wanted to let go a bit and had brought what was left of his muggle money (given to him by his Uncle Alphard). Walking up to a pretty blond who was currently smoking on a street corner, he asked if she could buy him a few bottles of the strongest drink she could find. She smiled flatteringly, accepting and he handed over all the muggle money he owned. She gave him back a fair amount and disappeared into the shop.  
Sirius leaned against the wall and waited. A couple of minutes later she came back out holding a large plastic bag. The girl handed it over and he looked inside, in it was twi bottles of muggle whisky and two bottles of something called Vodka. He wondered what it would taste like. She fluttered her eyelashes and he smiled and headed back home.  
It was only a few days until he could go back to his friends.  
Up in his room, he took out the 'Vodka' and his the other bottles in his wardrobe. Then went to his window and opened it, he leaned out and unscrewed the lid of the bottle of clear liquid. He'd had alcohol before but he'd either been sharing it or Madam Rosemerta had stopped him before he got drunk. It didnt take all that much to do that.  
Sirius brought the bottle to his lips and took a long swig. At first it didn't taste like much, but then his throat burned and he coughed a few times before having another long swig. He could feel himself relaxing and he felt slightly calmer, and sort of light headed.  
About an hour later he was fast asleep on his bed, the bottle, of which was now ¾ full, was safely away in his wardrobe. When Regulus looked in he smiled in relief at his brother's peaceful sleeping form. He didn't have a nightmare that night.

The train hissed and Sirius came through the barrier to platform 9 ¾. His parents and brother were already through and currently having a family hug. He cringed.  
"Oi! Pads!" The familiar voice of James Potter. Sirius turned around and saw the messy haired boy heading towards him. Sirius grinned. Walking around his trolley, he threw himself at James and hugged him tight, ignoring the pain that ran through his body.  
"Woah there.. You alright Padfoot?"  
"Just glad to see you.." Sirius mumbled. James chuckled and patted his back. Finally Padfoot let go and smiled.  
"Right c'mon Dogbreath, the others are already loaded on." Sirius gave him a playful punch on the shoulder, then James helped Sirius onto the train with his trunk.  
Unfortunately for Sirius they passed Lucius Malfoy and Snape on the way to the compartment.  
"Ah, Black, I never did get to ask. How was it? Painful enough?" Lucius sneered. Sirius had to restrain from leaping at the long haired blond boy.  
"Not really." He sniffed. Lucius looked from Sirius' face to James' one of puzzlement. He snickered.  
"Haven't even told your Gryffindor losers?"  
"Watch it Malfoy." James said. "C'mon Siri." James shoved passed a smirking Lucius and an amused looking Snape.  
Halfway down the train James stopped and turned to face Sirius.  
"What did he mean?" He asked bluntly. Sirius' mind whurred.  
"Oh er, I put stinksap in his soup when they came for dinner on the first night back. I got made to do the dishes the muggle way. And being like he is, he must have thought it was horribly painful and embarrassing." He blurted out. James nodded, then carried on walking.  
"My mum makes me do that too, but it's just to help out, she likes doing things the muggle way.." Sirius sighed, he couldn't decide if he was annoyed James was so gullible when it came to Sirius or not..did he want him to know? He sighed again and followed behind James, dragging his trunk.  
Sirius greeted Peter and Remus with a cheery smile, put his trunk away and asked how their Christmases had been. Peter had gone to South Spain and was looking rather tanned. Remus had had a quiet Christmas with his family.  
Sirius and James took the bench opposite Peter and Remus, Sirius leaned against the window and stared out. James looked at him, he had felt how much thinner he felt when Sirius hugged him and wondered how Sirius' Christmas had been. He decided to voice it.  
"So how was your Christmas Pads?" Luckily Sirius was ready for this question.  
"Yeah it was good thanks, thanks for your presents, my parents still don't believe on giving them to anyone except family.." He looked apologetic.  
"S'ok Si, they're no biggy." Peter piped up. Sirius smiled. He leaned against James and stared out of the window. James felt protective for some reason and put his arm round Sirius. They stayed like this for a while, Remus was reading another book and Peter was doing a puzzle. James felt Sirius was, if anything, slightly more vulnerable. He could feel his arm going numb from it's position around Sirius, but he didn't wanna move it incase Sirius crumbled away. He felt fragile, almost. James decided to keep a closer eye on him, or try at least.. He was brought out of his thoughts by the compartment door opening, looking up he saw a Sirius look-a-like standing in the doorway. They had the same slightly shaggy wavy hair and body build, but his eyes were brown and not silvery-grey like Sirius'.  
"What do you want Regulus?" Remus asked cooly. James was all for pulling his wand out on the boy, he knew how he and Sirius despised each other.  
"I need a word with him." He jerked his head at a dosing Sirius.  
"How about you piss off?" Said an over protective James.  
"Wassamatter?" The commotion had stirred Sirius. He blinked and looked round."Oh. What d'you want?" He asked, faking coldness.  
"A word." Sirius sighed and heaved himself up.  
"Alright.." James looked like he was about to protest. "Prongs it's fine, what's he gunna do? 'sides, I can take him if he tries anything." He winked and followed his brother out of their compartment. They walked down the train until they found an alcove of privacy.  
"S'up?" Sirius asked, rubbing his eyes.  
"Siri..I can't help but think.. You can't just put..all your..problems.. Into one person. I mean, I know I'm your brother, but I won't always be here and then where what will you do? You can't be telling a Death Eater stuff that's on your mind.." He tailed off.  
"So..what're you saying?" Sirius answered. Reg sighed.  
"What I'm saying is that you've gotta tell James or Remus or someone...everything you've told me.."  
"Because you're gunna run off and be a DeathEater?"  
"Well...yeah.." Regulus looked slightly guilty.  
"So you really believe that people like James, a blood traitor but my best friend, Reg, you think people like him deserve to die?"  
"Sirius! It's not like that! You don't understand.. Just tell one okay?" Sirius was glaring. "No. Alright? I don't think he deserves to die. It's just the way my life's turned out. I think this Dark Lord has some good ideas..but I don't believe in all of them." Sirius huffed, then said;  
"Well..what if they tell McGonagall huh? I don't want people kicking up a fuss." He started to walk away.  
"It's Sytherins who are meant to keep secrets and lie, Sirius, not Gryffindors!" His brother called after him. Sirius shook his head. He knew this wasn't true. But a part of him dreaded the time that Regulus would be made a Death Eater. Maybe he should tell them.. Life would be easier if he didn't have to hide these things from his friends.  
On entering their compartment he didn't sit down but stayed standing by the door. James was asking him something but he didn't quite hear, he was contemplating on how to phrase that which he had decided to tell them.  
"Sirius!" He was jerked out of his thoughts by a frustrated James.  
"Sorry..what?" James rolled his eyes.  
"I _said_, what happened?"  
"Oh, he just wanted a word about some family shit...so.. I wanna tell you something..." He picked at his nails, not looking at them.  
"Go on, Sirius." Remus said encouragingly.  
"Um, so you know my family are prejudice and stuff? They only like purebloods and they think werewolves should be killed and.. They don't like blood traitors either.. "  
"Yeah. We know, and you're not keen on your parents and you fight with your brother.."  
"Well..I'm not keen on the majotiy of my family, but yeah.. And when I try and argue..mm.. They hit me and if I misbehave and stuff ..I'm doing a terrible job at this.. But do you get it? I get punished for my beliefs?" James was looking shocked and Remus rather sympathetic, Peter looked a bit distant. He picked at his nails again. Next thing he knew he could barely breathe as he was being surrounded in a very tight hug from James. He tried not to show any sign of pain.  
"You can come live with me Sirius, leave them..they shouldn't be doing that ..I.." James seemed to have run out of words.  
Sirius smiled at him.  
"They wouldn't let me leave, besides.. It's not hat bad.." Not compared to what he hadn't told them, he could still feel the bruise on his back and a wound on his chest was sticking slightly to his t-shirt. It didn't pain him too much to hug someone now.  
"Tell Professor Dumbledore?" Remus suggested.  
"Moony, it's not that simple, my family could easily deny it and they have connections to people in the Ministry who could help them.." His friend nodded, understanding.  
James dragged him back down the their bench and pulled Sirius close.  
"Could always run away.." James whispered. Sirius had considered it before but getting his wand back would be tricky. He stayed snuggled against James, his almost-brother, staring out of the window, until it was time to put their robes on.

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**so, i'm not sure if i've repeated myself or contradicted anything, i dont think i have, but if i did please can you tell me and i'll edit it :)) thanks **


	6. Missed dates and fluffy toast

**Sorry it isnt very long, the first version got deleted by accident and this took longer to write for some reason.. anyway, next chapter I'll get down to what the story is really about...lol**

**Disclaimer; I still dont own Harry Potter...you'd know if i did ;)**

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Sirius was stood in the Great hall. He was being shouted at. He stood with his hands in his pockets and was leaning on one foot. Apparently he had missed another date. This was the third time since coming back from Christmas. He seemed to being forgetting a few things lately. Sirius couldn't remember if it was the same person he had missed three times in a row or if it was a different person. The Hall was quite quiet and the only noises were the quiet whisperings and the stifled giggles. The teachers were paying no attention to the goings on as this was not the first time they had seen a dispute with or about Sirius Black. The rest of the Marauders were watching on with amusement from the Gryffindor table, Sirius had been ambushed as he entered the Great hall for breakfast with his friends.

"How could you forget? Is it that you've got so many on your list of dates that missing one doesn't matter cos hey I'm Sirius black and I have 20 more I get to go to!" The shorter blond boy stopped for breath and Sirius took the opportunity to cut him off.

"Don't you think you''re going just a little bit over the top? It slipped my mind is all." Sirius suggested. He refused to meet the blue eyes of the Ravenclaw standing in front of him.

"No. I don't. You're such a SLUT Sirius Black." And with that a hand was slapping him across the face.

"OI!" James leapt up from the table and strode towards them. "Gerroff him!"

Giving Sirius one last glare, his missed date swept passed him.

"Don't talk to me. I thought we might have had something but I'm just another one of your fans. Aren't I?" Then the guy stormed out. Sirius wasn't quite sure how to interpret this. Not that he was really listening he was gazing ahead at the far wall, not thinking of anything.

"Sirius!" Fingers clicked in front of his eyes. He blinked and looked round. The hall was still quiet. James noticed Sirius' observation and turned around giving them all a glare.

"You can talk now!" He yelled. The usual chatter started up quickly, you didn't want to piss off one of 'The Gang', as the four of them were known to the students.

"You alright, mate?" James looked at the red mark blooming on Sirius' cheek.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Wanna prank him?"

"James just leave it okay?" Sirius turned and headed for the door.

"Hey! Where are you going _now_?"

"Just out." He left the hall and headed for the exit to the grounds. He knew he was going to miss Charms but it wasn't critical to got to, plus he and James were ahead anyway.

Sirius left the castle and walked across the grounds in the direction of the Forbidden Forest. It was a cool crisp morning and the grass crunched beneath Sirius' feet. He shivered slightly, then pulled his Gryffindor scarf out of his bag and flipped it around his neck. When he reached the edge of the forest that wasn't clearly visible from the castle, he shifted into Padfoot and took off at a lope into the forest. He kept on the move for some time.

He finally came to rest at the base of a beech tree. Settling down under it Padfoot put his head on his paws and let out a doggy huff that sent a misty cloud of breath swirling away. He watched some leaves blow in the cool breeze that was drifting through the forest.

Sirius wondered why he was forgetting things. Maybe he should keep a diary...but that meant remembering to update it, and then check it too. No, that would be no good. Perhaps he should talk to Remus, or his 'all knowing' brother. Maybe. He suspected that it was because he hadn't been sleeping well since he got back from his worst Christmas yet. Not that he slept very well anyway.

Sirius had carried on with the silencing charms and coped with the nightmares as well as he could. But he was glad James was there to help, when he found out.

It was about the 4th night back when he had woken, sweating and panting, to another body in his bed and a hushed voice soothing him. He thought for a moment that he had brought one of his dates home and mentally cursed himself before turning over to come face to face with James. It turned out that Remus had figured him out and told James. Sirius chose to either not talk about them or make up a fake one which seemed to satisfy his friend more than not talking about them. Sirius couldn't understand why James didn't see through him, but, when it came to Sirius, James trusted him when Sirius told him something. Nights went back to normal, with Sirius lying and listening to James' breathing until he finally fell asleep or he would get the urge to cut and sneak off to the bathroom. Remus had finally stopped coming to find him as Sirius refused to talk about it and preferred to be on his own.

He let out another huff. Sirius decided he had probably been a while and James would be bored stiff. The last time Sirius hadn't been in class with him, which was when Sirius had been ill and stayed off classes in the dorms. James had resorted to repeatedly asking Lily Evans on a date to the point where she had got very annoyed and turned his hair bright green. Aside from being slightly humiliated at the time, James had walked around the castle with said hair, saying he rather liked the change, and didn't let Remus reverse it until they had gone to see Sirius and let him have a good laugh.

With that memory in mind, he got up and loped off to save his friend from disaster.

Sirius the human entered the Herbology class with a hurried apology to Professor Sprout and took his place next to James and . The other two noticed him and gave him questioning looks. He shook his head at them and turned to James. His friend was staring off into the distance looking vague. Sirius looked in roughly the same direction as he was and saw a red headed girl bent over a bubo tuber. He rolled his eyes and clicked his fingers in front of James' face. With a start the scruffy haired buy whipped round. Sirius ginned.

"How's it going lover-boy?" he smirked. James poked his tongue out.

"Where did you scamper off to?"

"I just went to the forest for a bit to clear my head."

"Well, I thought you might be hungry so I took this with me from breakfast.." Reaching into his pocket, James pulled out a squashed lump of something Sirius finally recognized to be a piece of toast in a napkin. It was rather fluffy and looked as though it had been sat on. Sirius wasn't especially hungry as he was used to not eating form his time at home. However he took it none the less and started picking off the fluff from James' pocket while Professor Sprout was talking to others and checking they were working with the bubo tubers correctly. James looked pleased with himself as he watched Sirius eat the manky toast. Remus looked over at Sirius and stifled a laugh, Sirius shrugged at him.

It was late afternoon and they were in the common room playing exploding snap, Peter got his eyebrows singe and Sirius was laughing as the ends of James' fringe smoked. Moony looked a bit distant, Peter glanced at him.

"Alright Rem?" He squeaked.

"Huh?Oh..yeah, yeah..I'm fine..full moon isn't it.." The other three nodded understandingly. "I just keep thinking back to that night where I swore I threw you against a tree James." James looked rather taken aback.

"You remembered?"

"I remember how guilty I felt and theres a faint image..."

"Oh.. it's fine, it didn't really hurt" James smiled encouragingly so as to make his friend feel a little better. Remus smiled slightly.

"Tell you what," piped up Peter, "let's go play a prank on the Slytherins." They all nodded and started plotting immediately.

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**heyheyheyhey...reviiieeeewwwww?:):):):):)? Be totally awesome o'ye :3**


	7. Sirius' choice

**Sorry if it's a bit short, i wanted to end it..where it does ;) **

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"Sirius did you get them?" James asked. Sirius nodded and held up a box. James grinned in approval.

The four of them were stood in the dungeons around the corner from the Slytherin common room. Sirius had a box of nifflers.

"Right then." James said excitedly, he pulled out his invisibility cloak and handed it to Sirius who took it and threw it over him and the box. "Good luck." He heard James whisper.

Creeping forwards and around the corner, Sirius waited by the portrait hole for a student to exit. He didn't have to wait long, a brown haired girl came out and strode off down the corridor, Sirius was pretty sure he'd made-out with her once but couldn't quite remember. He hurried a few steps forward to grab the portrait before it swung closed and tipped the box upside down and watched the 3 nifflers run in side. Then he waited a couple of seconds until he heard yelling and then scurried back to the others.

Sirius shrugged off the cloak and gave it back to James, the four if them stood by their corner stifling their laughter as the sounds of distressed Slytherins filled the air. They could each hear shrieks of; 'No thats MY ring!' or 'Get it off my head!' which was highly amusing. They stayed for about 10 minutes, then a familiar face came round the corner. Well, familiar to Sirius.

"Are you being a bad boy again Mr Black?" She was a blond Slytherin with green eyes. Her name was Carla. She and Sirius had slept together a few times and she liked to ambush him to make-out for a few minutes before leaving him flushed and panting.

"See ya later Siri!" James called, already halfway down the hall with the others. They weren't keen on hanging around waiting. The next thing Sirius knew, he was being pushed back against the wall and her lips were on his. He felt a tongue nudging at his lips and parted them for the intruder. Then there was a battle for dominance. Her hands went down and his slid up, they groped at each other and he moaned slightly. Then she was gone from him, he blinked and looked towards the Slytherin entrance. Carla looked over her should and wiped her lips with one finger and winked.

"See you, baby." She said.

Sirius shook his head with a slight smile and tried to catch his breath. And went to follow in the direction of his friends. He didn't see the dark haired boy slip past Carla on her way in.  
For the second time that evening he was being pushed against a wall. But this was a different situation.

"Ah perfect. All alone. No friends." It was Snape.

"What do you want Snivelly?" Sirius asked lazily, although he was feeling on edge. Snape looked a bit ruffled from the niffler prank, his hair was messed up and his robe was ripped. He had seen Snivelly tailing them a few times. He wanted to know where Remus went on full moons. Crap. Sirius had also fretted that Snape had seen him coming back from a meeting with his brother. He had tried not to dwell on it, but now he was worried.

"Ok, Black if you don't tell me where Lupin is going tonight, I will let your parents know that you and your brother aren't on as bad a terms as you make out to be, how do you think they will take that? How do you think they will feel that your brother _helps _you?" Snape hissed. Sirius stared.

He had a choice to make.

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**Dun dun duuuun...Lol. What do you think? **


	8. Just like them

**I'm sorry Sirius i love you really! i feel bad for him.. it's just how i saw it . so, hopeing this chapter is longer, but i'd rather post a quicker update then spend too long on a chapter..hmm.**

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Sirius cringed. His brother, or Remus..? He knew his brother would get hurt if anything got back to his parents and he could never live with that. But if he told Snape...well.. maybe the git deserved a fright.

Without taking time to dwell on the situation, he said, "There's a knot at the bottom of the Whomping Willow, if you're brave enough you'll press it and see how it goes from there."

Looking very smug, Snape set off along the corridor and out of sight. Sirius watched him go, wondering if he would have the guts to press it. Then panic set in. What if he did? Shit. Remus would hate him, especially if anything happened to Snape. He raced off to find the others.

Sprinting up the last few steps to the Common Room, he gasped the password to the Fat Lady and bolted in. He saw the common room was empty except for James perched on a sofa with the cloak and looking at his watch. He looked up in shock at Sirius crashed into a table in his hurry to reach his best friend.

"Sirius...wha..?" James exclaimed.

"Where's Peter?" Sirius panted.

"Up in the Dorms...he was worrying about not getting homework done... you know him. He isn't coming out tonight. Sirius... what happened?" The look on Sirius' face worried James a lot.

"ItoldSnapehowtofindMoony!" He gabbled.

"Slow down, slow down! Say it again..." James was anxious he might have understood what his mate had said but wanted to double check.

"I...might've told Snivelly...how to find Moony..." Sirius whispered and hung his head.

"Shit." James muttered and started out of the room at a run. "Stay here." He yelled over his shoulder when Sirius made to follow. And then he was gone.

Sirius sat and tapped his foot, then crossed his legs, then stood up and started pacing. He walked up to their dorms and saw Peter asleep on a book on his bed, he had ink on his face.  
So he went back down again, and waited, and paced. What was he going to tell them? He wasn't gunna tell them about him and Reg and his nightmares, no way, they wouldn't understand. He doubted they would even listen. Sirius let his mind whur. He was brought back to earth as the portrait opened and a pissed off looking James came in.

"Dumbledore wants you in his office." Was all the boy said. Sirius nodded and scurried off.

He hovered in front of the gargoyles guarding the office. What was the password? But then they jumped aside and a spiral staircase appeared. When he reached the top, Sirius knocked. He was shaking slightly. Surely he would be expelled? Then he would have to face hell at home. Oh boy.

"Come in." A voice said. He pushed the door opened and peered around it. Dumbledore was sat at his desk, scribbling something on a piece of parchment. He wondered if it was his expulsion slip..

Glancing around the room, he saw the portrait of Phinius Nigellus and gulped. He didn't want him hearing what had happened, it might get back to his parents as the other portrait was at his house.

"It's quite alright, he hasn't heard anything, I put a spell on the portrait for now." Dumbledore said, looking up, as if reading Sirius' mind. "Now, if you would like to take a seat." He sat cautiously in the seat the other side of the headmaster's desk.

"So, Mr. Black, why exactly did you tell Mr. Snape of Mr Lupin's condition. Given that we teachers thought we were the only ones who knew of it." He asked it so calmly Sirius thought he might shrink in his seat. Sirius had of course, been here many a time for various pranks and duels etc, but this was different.

"I...uh.."

"In your own time." The headmaster said. Sirius thought long and hard on what to say, it was Dumbledore after all and he would most likely see through a lie. So, he settled on the truth and would hope for the best.

"Snape, erm, caught me by surprise earlier... and, well you see Professor.. well me and my brother.. we..don't hate each other, we're actually quite good friends...he makes it easier to live at home, and he eh..helps when things get.. rocky.. and if it got back to my parents that he wasn't the true snake they think he is, well..it wouldn't be...spectacular..so, when I got asked to tell Snape or he would rat on my brother, he saw us together once, well... I guess I chose my brother over my friend." He stopped, it hit him, what they would think. Sirius put his face in his hands.

"Please don't tell anyone Sir, I don't want anyone to know, or it to get back to my parents. Even if someone tried to do something, they have contacts and..stuff." He wasn't sure what he was saying, why would Dumbledore want to help him anyway? He had just betrayed a friend.

"Mr Black, I quite understand, and if it's what you wish, I shall not tell of this conversation." Sirius sighed in relief. "And so, you will have detention with Professor McGonagall, every Tuesday for a for a month, starting next week and you needn't worry about young Snape, he won't tell anyone of what he found out. Although he is in quite a bit of shock, but unharmed." The headmaster said.

"That's it? I'm not expelled, no long and never ending detentions? Just a month?" Sirius gawped.

"You heard me correctly Mr. Black, I think your friends reactions will serve as the rest of your punishment." The Professor gestured for him to leave. Sirius got up and hurried out of the office, giving Fawkes a pat on the head as he went.

The Fat Lady was rather grumpy when he got to the tower, she had been asleep, but opened for him anyway. Sirius stepped inside. He saw James stood staring into the fire.

"James...?" Sirius asked timidly as he padded towards the messy haired boy. He could see the reflection of the fire in James' glasses.

"How could you do that Sirius?" Sirius wasn't sure how to explain...could he even do that?

"I...er...thought he could do with a lesson...?" He stammered.

"A lesson? A LESSON?! SIRIUS HE WAS PRACTICALLY IN THE JAWS OF MOONY MOUTH WHEN I GOT THERE!...I..had to stun him... HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT? HOW DO YOU THINK REMUS' GOING TO BE TOMORROW WHEN HE'S TOLD!? Did you want Snape dead? Or to find out enough about Remus to get him put away? Did you know if Snape had got bitten, Moony could have been executed for being an uncontrollable werewolf?!Or maybe you did. Did you want that? Huh?"

"James I... no..."

"Maybe your parents beliefs finally sunk in? You're just like them Sirius. Just like the rest of your evil family."

"Take that back...Take that back James, I'm not.. you know I'm not." Sirius croaked, he could feel a tear in his eyes but forced it away. A Black did not show weakness in situations like this. Or any situation at all. That was what he was taught as a child. Oh Merlin, he _was_ like them.

James punched him. Square in the eye. Sirius stumbled back with a hand against the wounded area.

"Do I?"

And then Sirius was alone in the common room. James was on his way to the dorms. He sat down and stared into the fire. His eye felt tender as he poked it gingerly. He wanted to cut. He wanted it so bad. He waited a bit before heading up, also. Creeping passed James and Peter's bed, he snuck into the bathroom and fished out the familiar tool. Then he sat in the shower cubicle and let himself go a bit. Watching the crimson streams make their way to the plug hole, Sirius let one tear go, _just one_, he promised himself. The guilt of what he had done was overwhelming. He hated it but couldn't stop it.

When he felt done, he cleaned up. Sirius slunk to his bed and collapsed into it, he stared up at the ceiling for a long time.


	9. Shipwrecked

**Is this over the top? cos if it is, i'll edit it.. mmm anyway... review?:) &enjoy..i hope(:**

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_This nightmare was different. He was in a court room. Beside him were his parents, in front of him was Remus in a cage. Sirius went to stand up to free his friend but found he was stuck in his seat._

"_Remus!" He called. But no one heard him. Across the room he saw Regulus shaking his head at Sirius. _

"_Reg! Help him!" He saw a judge mouthing something and caught the last few words._

"_Monster to be executed." Looking up Sirius saw a huge blade drop from the ceiling and cut through the cage to Remus who was silently screaming._

"NOOOOOOOO!" He screamed and bolted upright in bed. Sirius was sweating and felt a few tears slide down his cheek. It hurt. Merlin it hurt to know what he had nearly put upon Remus.

"Shh." Came a grumpy voice from the bed next to him. Oh crap, he had forgotten the silencing charm. He would have to be more careful in future. He lay there, fighting the urge to go back to the bathroom.

By the time lessons were due to start, Sirius was sprawled on the sofa in the common room with some more new additions to his arms. He was woken up by a second year who timidly tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted and fell off the sofa.  
Deciding to skip breakfast he went straight to Charms. Sirius waited outside the room and picked at his his fellow class mates arrived, ha queue was formed and Sirius tried to hide himself in the crowd. He saw Pete and James come to queue but they didn't look twice at him. On entering the class, Sirius hesitated before moving away form their usual seats and sitting at the back of the room. Flitwick frowned slightly at seeing the Marauders separated but didn't say anything. Sirius couldn't really concentrate on what they were supposed to be learning, he kept glancing at James.

At break he saw the two dash off in the direction of the Hospital Wing. Sirius badly wanted to make up with Remus, so he followed at a slower pace. Lingering outside the doors, he waited for them to come out. They would have been down this morning before breakfast to see him. It would seem understandable to the teachers now, that they were there as they had confessed about knowing of Remus' condition the night before. So there was no need for the Cloak.

Moments later the three of them came out. James and Peter glared at him, and Remus gave him a sad and betrayed look. It broke Sirius' heart, he never thought he would ever see that look in a million years.

"Remus, I'm sorry, I'm so-"

"Save it, Black, I don't want to hear it." Sirius was startled. Remus' voice wasn't exactly cold, but it had a mixture of calm anger and hurt. And since when did Remus call him by his last name? Merlin he really had fucked up.

"But.. I..he..." Whatever he was going to say got lost in his mouth as he watched the others walking away, not paying any attention at all. Sirius slumped against a wall and felt a lump in his throat. He was alone. He had no friends, no one to have a laugh with.. no more pranks.. He would try his best to get them back, he vowed this to himself.

A month passed and Sirius deteriorated. He was cutting himself worse and more frequently than usual and had started using a concealing charm on the marks. He had remembered the muggle alcohol he had brought with him to school and had taken to going to his and Reg's little room to drink it. A couple of times Sirius had passed out in there. Remus wouldn't look at him and all the other two did was glare if he caught their eye. He had tried apologising and trying to explain a few times and had eventually just left them. The detentions were rather boring, each Tuesday Professor McGonagall found him a chore to do, such as help the house elves clean or polish the Trophies.

Snape just gave him dirty looks. He supposed Dumbledore had forbidden him to talk to Sirius, not that he was complaining.

Regulus was worried about him, he had found Sirius drunk in their room once or twice who had confessed that the nightmares he used to have were about Regulus being beaten and punished for helping him. Now they were different, they were always based around Remus being executed and him having no one to turn to about anything.

One could usually find Sirius in a corner of the common room either drunk or just sat staring at nothing. Sometimes he would run off into the forest as Padfoot and on occasion just stay out all night.  
Remus once heard a dog howling for all he was worth and looked at the open window. He grimaced and shut it.  
On top of all this, he had been skipping meals, not sleeping and had forgotten about class a couple of times and his homework. That was another thing. He was getting more forgetful.

Sirius was a mess. And he knew it but he couldn't help it. Sirius just couldn't cope with the guilt. He had broken down a couple of times when in the secret room with his brother. Regulus had felt rather helpless, he couldn't do anything for him except tell him he wasn't evil. Sirius had never told him what the problem was, just that he had fallen out with the others and he was evil.

Quidditch was was usually the highlight of his week, it was a way he could show James that he would still protect him. Although James did his best to avoid Sirius on the pitch, and do his best to keep himself out of harms way Sirius still managed to deflect bludgers heading for his ex-bestfriend.

He had also started sleeping around more, he had started craving affection even though he thought he didn't deserve it. Every time he got with someone, he was sure to conceal anything that might give away his home life or what he did to himself, with a spell. One evening he stumbled through his dormitory door with a seventh year Gryffindor boy. Sirius was slightly drunk and had lost his shirt on the way up. The older boy had pushed him against a set of drawers and was kissing him hard, then he spun Sirius round and onto his bed. Sirius lay there submissively, liking the dominance the other boy had, he watched as he crawled on top of Sirius. A pissed off noise made them both look to the next bed. James was putting his book that he had been quietly reading, down on his bed. He got up and didn't look at the two as he headed for the door.

"You slut, Black." James hissed as he left. Sirius winced but tried not to let it bother him.

"Ooo ouch." He looked up to see the guy he'd pulled smirking at him. "Well tonight, you're mine."  
Sirius nodded and closed his eyes as he was kissed again.

He woke later that night to find himself alone in bed. He was aching slightly from his previous antics. Feeling a bit sticky Sirius decided to go and shower. He slipped out of bed and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around himself, he headed to the bathroom.  
The warm water felt good as it washed over him. Sirius thought back to what James had said. And it was something Sirius thought he would never hear James say to him. He felt an invisible weight on his chest, no, he wouldn't let it get to him. But he had tried to stop a lot of things getting to him. Like how Peter had shoved passed him on his way to class and Sirius, being somewhat lighter now, had stumbled over and fallen to the floor. James had sneered at him and laughed.  
Sirius shook his head to himself. The feeling of self-hate once again over took him. He reached a hand out of the shower to grab his razor blade. Sirius sat down in the shower and turned to look at one of his thighs. 'Slut' was carved onto it by the time Sirius had over come the feeling he had, enough to put the thing away and get out of the shower. He could feel the wounded area pulse beneath his pajama bottoms as he lay in bed. Sirius buried himself under the quilt and closed his eyes.

He woke the next morning to an empty dorm. Sirius didn't own a watch, but he assumed he was late for class. _Ugh Merlin, not again. McGonagall will flip._ Getting up and finding his uniform which was scattered about the floor, Sirius dressed. In the bathroom, he looked into the mirror. His hair was a mess, there were dark shadows under his eyes and he looked exhausted. In a way Sirius felt rather satisfied. He probably deserved it. Aside from that, he looked rather thin. _Oh well._

He turned up at Transfiguration half way through the lesson.

"Mr Black, would you care to explain to the class why you were late?" She said sounding rather annoyed. Sirius turned to face to class.  
"I over slept." He stated.

"Cos he was having sex all night!" James called from the back. Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked unimpressed.

"Thank you, Mr Potter." McGonagall said pursing her lips but she didn't seem to have taken him seriously. There were hushed giggles in the room.  
They were learning how to turn a Guinea pig into a cake stand. Sirius wasn't entirely sure how this would help them in life but he did manage to do it and got an approving look from his Professor.

He was walking to the ground when he caught his brother's eye, ever so slightly, Regulus jerked his head as a sign for Sirius to follow him. Sirius looked around and spun on the spot, he followed a few yards behind his brother. He lead them to a deserted corridor that was barely used.

"Hey.." Sirius said, leaning against the wall.

"How long will this go on for Siri?" Regulus had concern in his eyes.

"Who knows...maybe forever... it's as much as I deserve."

"Sirius you don't! Ok? I don't know how I can prove that to you! Your friends obviously weren't worth all you've been through if they're gunna shun you over one silly mistake, whatever it was."

Sirius shook his head. "You don't understand, I messed up bad.. I betrayed them.. they have every right to be like this and I'm just gunna take it. Even if I don't do it sensibly. Anyway. What did you wanna tell me?" Regulus rolled his eyes.

"I'm subbing as seeker for the match tomorrow against Ravenclaw." Sirius grinned for the first time in weeks.

"That's brilliant! I'll be there, I promise!" He hadn't gone to the last match as he had lost part of his enthusiasm for watching it. His brother grinned and bounced off along the corridor. Sirius smiled proudly after him. First good thing that had happened all month.


	10. Wonky Faint

**i know it's reeeeeally short, but it's kinda separate from the next chapter.. anyway, sorry :)**

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Sirius snuggled into his scarf as he watched the Ravenclaw vs Slytherin game. He watched Regulus on his broom, alert and watching closely for the Snitch. For the first time in his life life, Sirius was cheering for Slytherin. Well, for his brother anyway. He watched with hawk eyes as his little brother swooped and dived through the frenzy of blue and green blurs. The Ravenclaw keeper was knocked unconscious by a bludger hit their way by one of the Slytherin beaters. He saw Regulus dive suddenly, and looked at the ground but he couldn't see the snitch, the Ravenclaw seeker followed immediately. It clicked what Reg was doing as he had seen James practicing the same move, just as they were about the hit the floor he saw Regulus pull out of the Wronski Feint. The Ravenclaw seeker only barely missed crashing into the ground.

"Clever boy." Sirius said feeling proud of his brother. But then he dug his finger nails hard into his palms as a bludger skimmed by Regulus and he lost his balance slightly. Luckily he clung on hard enough to reground himself on the broom and flew off again. Sirius sighed in relief.

A few moments later, his little brother shot upwards and the Slytherins cheered as they saw something gold clutched in his hand. Sirius grinned to himself, not because Slytherin had won, but because of his brother.


	11. Oops

**Sorry if it's short again.. wanted to leave y'all hanging :) i think my writing is slightly worse than when i started lol but yeno.. tell me what you think? :)**

**Disclaimer, i ****_still_**** dont own Harry Potter. ;D**

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Sirius decided he did not like Sunday, when he looked back.

In the late afternoon he had been making out with a girl in a corridor when a larger boy had come down it and punched Sirius in the face saying that it was his girlfriend, Sirius had shrugged and wiped his bleeding nose on his sleeve. When the boy had dragged the girl off down the corridor, she had looked back and blown him a kiss. Sirius rolled his eyes, Remus was probably right when he had warned him about the people he got with. Remus... Sirius took a deep breath and went to the secret room he and Regulus used.

Half an hour later he was staggering back into the common room having finished off his last bottle of muggle alcohol. Sirius went up to the dorms, just managing not to trip up the steps. He collapsed onto his bed and wriggled out of his trousers, kicking them to the floor. He lay staring up at the ceiling in just his boxers and t-shirt. Sighing, Sirius got up again and stumbled back down the stairs, he'd rather have the noise of people heading for bed than the silence of the voices of the Marauders sounded through the common room, he didn't look at them as he headed for the fire. Sirius sat in the corner of an empty couch and stared off into the fire. And this was how Lily Evans found him, drunk, dosing off and half dressed. She took a seat next to him, although Sirius didn't seem to notice.

"Sirius, you look awful.. why aren't you dressed, and what happened to your face?" Sirius started and looked round. He shrugged and looked down, why had he forgotten his trousers?

"In the dorm..forgot them.." He touched his nose cautiously. "Someone's boyfriend." Lily shook her head.

"You bring it on yourself.. are you drunk?" His words had sounded slurred, he nodded.

"Numbs it."

"Numbs what?"

"The pain..the guilt..my thoughts, am I evil Evans?" Sirius was back to staring into he fire.

"Of course not! Who made you think that?! And pain..guilt?" He turned his head towards his old friends who were currently playing a loud game of exploding snap.

"What happened Sirius?"

"Why would you care Evans? You've never liked me.."

"You can be an arrogant prat, but you're not you anymore Sirius, all the fun about you has gone, you're falling apart..."

When he didn't answer and carried on staring at the fire, she sighed and got up. Sirius faintly heard her talking to James, who was apparently trying to sweet talk her while she ranted at him in an annoyed voice.

"Look at him! You're killing him! What kind of Gryffindors are you!?" Her voice echoed across the room and people turned to stare as she point at Sirius.

"Ones who put their trust in the wrong person." James said coldly. Sirius let out a wracked sob. People stopped talking, Sirius Black never cried. Ok, that was as far as they knew.

He was up the stairs in less than five seconds and under his covers with the hangings drawn. Sirius tried to stop the tears flowing, it was one of those times he wished he had Regulus to just be there and show Sirius wasn't "a worthless fucking piece of flesh". Sirius wasn't sure how long he lay there, he heard the others come in, discussing Lily's outburst. Shoving his head under a pillow, he waited til there was silence in the dorm. Sirius slipped out of bed, picked up his wand and tiptoed the bathroom. To be honest, he thought, he hated himself. He really did. Sirius set down his wand and leaned over the sink, breathing hard, the tears were coming again. Why was he so _emotional_? Sirius rolled up his sleeves, removed the concealing charms on his arms and picked up his old blade. He knew the combination of what he was feeling now and what he had in his hand weren't his best idea, but they weren't as bad as...what he had done to Remus. Sirius wasn't careful this time, he just cut, he thought he deserved what ever became of it. He looked down when he started feeling dizzy. _Oops. _Both his wrists were bloody but there were a couple of rather deep ones and the sink was crimson. _Shit. _He dropped the blade in the sink and picked up his wand, which was tricky as the blood made it slippery. Casting a quick cleaning charm, he shoved the sharp object back where it belonged and stumbled out of the bathroom. He did _not_ feel good. Sirius felt light headed and dizzy. The only thing crossing his mind was _James..help._ Staggering over to the bed, he prodded a James-shaped lump.

"fooofff" The sleepy figure groaned. Sirius too that to mean "fuck off".

"Went too deep .. too deep.." He moaned.

"I said fuck _off_, Black. I don't need your bullshit." Sirius sighed. Okay. Fine. He started to make his way to Remus, Peter wouldn't wake for the world. They had tried jumping on him once. Sirius felt tired, he wanted to sleep. Deciding he wouldn't make it to Moony's bed, he collapsed onto his own. Before he slipped into darkness, his last thought was that at least he had left the concealing charm on the rest of his body, incase he was found in the morning.


	12. Regulus

**wowowoow thank you for all the reviews!they made me so happy! **

**so i wanted to leave you withthis before i go away for 3 days, hope it's okay..**

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**** Remus Lupin woke to the overwhelming scent of blood and shallow breathing, picked up by his werewolf senses. He sat up and stared around. James was calling to him, saying he would see him at breakfast as he and Pete were extra hungry. Remus nodded and looked to his right, the curtains of his ex-bestfriend's bed were ajar. The other two left and Remus got dressed, waiting to see if Sirius would wake up and come out. He knew though, when he entered the bathroom and the very faint lingering smell of blood hung in the air, un-noticable to the human nose, that there was a chance Sirius might not wake up. Remus tore out of the bathroom and to the still curtained bed. He ripped open the hangings and saw Sirius curled up, there was a red stain underneath him and his shirt was no longer white, he knew where the blood had come from. The werewolf went very pale and reached a hand out to touch Sirius' face. The unconscious boy let out a nearly inaudible sigh, he was rather cold. Remus swore, he wished he knew the spell to move bodies, this was going to be a struggle. First though, he severed two strips of bed sheet tied them around Sirius' wrists. Then he gathered his strength and lifted Sirius into his arms. Luckily lessons would have started by now so there wouldn't be questions and stares.

Staggering down the stairs and across the common room, he struggled out of the portrait hole. _Why was Sirius not wearing any trousers? _It would be a bit awkward if he bumped into anyone. It seemed like forever to reach the Hospital Wing, going through winding corridors and down flights of stairs, he nearly dropped Sirius a couple of times and heard a very quiet moan from the boy. He muttered hurried apologies to him and finally they reached their destination. Remus backed through the doors into the Wing and started yelling for Madam Pomfrey. She came hurrying out of her office at the urgency in his voice.

"Madam Pomfrey, I..he.." Remus started shaking as everything sunk in. One look at the figure in Remus' arms and she paled.  
"Over here Mr Lupin, hurry now." Remus strode over to the bed she was pointing at and lay Sirius down on it. Madam Pomfrey put up curtains and ushered Remus out.

"Tell your friends, they'll want to know. Don't come back til break. I'll have news by then." And she drew the curtains around her and the motionless boy.

Remus felt hot tears slip down his cheeks as he pelted to his first class. Everyone stared as he burst in.

"James, Peter... Professor, I need them, it's urgent." Remus choked out, his knees shook so much he had to hold on to the door.

"Of course Mr Lupin.. go you two, I'll set you catch up work later." Slughorn motioned for them to go, looking slightly concerned at Remus' state.

The two Marauders hurried after their friend. Remus lead them to an empty classroom and started pacing.

"Remus what is it?"

"It's..Sirius."

"What's the bastard done now?! Shall I-" But James was cut off by Remus whirling round.

"James he's in the Hospital Wing! He...I think he tried to die." As soon as he spoke the last word, he crumpled onto the floor and sobs wracked his body. James' voice was shaky when he spoke.

"Moony..Moony what happened?" He sat by the werewolf and rubbed his back trying to comfort him. Through his sobbing, Remus told him how he had found Sirius, and how he felt so bad that they had driven him that far.

"But she won't let us in til break. Merlin, James, there might be no Sirius to visit!" He looked up with a tear streaked face to see James had gone white as a sheet. Peter was rocking back and forth on a table with his hands in his hair. They waited like this. Remus and James half hugging and Peter rocking.

"He came to me." James said suddenly. "Last night. I thought … I don't know what I thought..that maybe he was trying one of his apologies again or something..look what I did!1" He cried.

"James..it's not your fault.. you didn't know.." Remus tried to comfort James who was starting to hyperventilate. "Breathe ok? It wont help if you collapse too.." James tried taking deep breaths and slowly, his breathing came back under control.

The bell rang for break.

In a flash, the classroom was empty and the three Marauders were racing to the Hospital Wing.

The burst through the doors and were startled to see Regulus sat in a chair gazing at the far wall. In the bed next to him was Sirius, a little paler than usual but had more colour in his cheeks than when Remus had last seen him. He was still unconscious, his wrists were bandaged and he was wearing pajamas that Madam Pomfrey provided on rare occasions.

"What are _you_ doing here?" James snarled, marching forwards.

"I could ask the same seeing as you disowned him as a friend. But as Remus brought him in, I won't. And what am I doing here? I'm his brother. I have a right."

"You hate him." Peter stated.

"No. I knew he should have told you.. I said it would backfire, keeping secrets."

"What are you on about?!" James spluttered from his perch on Sirius' bed.

"Ok. Sirius and I are actually pretty close. At home..You know our parents views on non-Purebloods and blood traitors etc? Well, every time our parents insulted Sirius' friends, being you guys, he would get very defensive and he would get punished for talking back. Well, he gets punished for pretty much any little mistake..like when he forgot to take the rubbish out.." Regulus shook his head an pressed on. "Look.." He turned and moved the blanket down Sirius' body and lifted his pajama top. "Revealio." Marks appeared all across Sirius' chest. "These," Regulus pointed to three gash marks and heard a couple of intakes of breath, "are from the the day we got back from Hogwarts. Our father said he was getting bad attitude from you three and Sirius yelled at him. Said how it's not their choice who he's friends with." He took a deep breathe an carried on, the three boys were listening intently and look shocked. "So, every time he would get hurt, I'd be there to do as best I could to heal him. We met up in Hogwarts, he would tell me his worries, and anything that he needed to let out. His nightmares, Remus, lately they were about you. Being executed for I don't even know what.. but he said he had to make a choice. His nightmares used to be about me, our parents beating my for helping him, thats something he could never stand. So...anyway, he said Severus made him choose between you and me, Remus. I'm sorry he chose me, this wouldn't have happened otherwise and my parents wouldn't have _killed_ me.." He trailed off. "I'm bad at explaining, Sirius will do it better, but you get the jist?" Remus looked rather horror-struck.

"Oh Merlin and look how we treated him? I'm so sorry Sirius.." James brushed a lock of hair out of his friend's face. "We should tell someone..make them stop!"

"James have you seen our family and connections? Half of them _are_ the authorities! I told him to leave a few times but he wouldn't listen He doesn't want me there on my own." Regulus sighed.

"How is he?" Remus spoke up from the next bed, where he was perched with Peter.

"He lost a lot of blood, he was exhausted and we don't know if he was starving himself." Reg stated. James hissed and Remus cringed. Peter looked pale.

_I did this. _James thought. _My best friend, my brother, I nearly drove him to death. _He looked down at the skinny sleeping form and felt his heart clench. James leant over the raven-haired boy and a tear dripped down his cheek, it splashed on Sirius' forehead.

"You're my brother Sirius and I'll always love you." James whispered in his ear.

"Mfhfhffmmff" Sirius mumbled and his eyes fluttered open.

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**im not sure about it, could it be better? if you have advice, can you put it inyour review?:) thanks**


	13. Revealing

It** was pointed out to me that the end of this story wasn't that realistic, so this has been edited by annikaprentiss :) thankyou!**

Remus Lupin woke to the overwhelming scent of blood and shallow breathing, picked up by his werewolf senses. He sat up and stared around. It wasn't exactly normal that he could smell blood in the Gryffindor common room. He looked up. James was calling to him, saying he would see him at breakfast as he and Pete were extra hungry. Remus nodded and looked to his right, the curtains of his ex-bestfriend's bed were ajar. He seemed to be asleep. The other two left and Remus got dressed, waiting to see if Sirius would wake up and come out.

But when he entered the bathroom and the very faint lingering smell of blood hung in the air, un-noticable to the human nose, he suddenly knew that there was a chance Sirius might not wake up. Remus tore out of the bathroom and to the still curtained bed. He ripped open the hangings and saw Sirius curled up, there was a red stain underneath him and his shirt was no longer white, he knew where the blood had come from. The werewolf went very pale and reached a hand out to touch Sirius' face. The unconscious boy let out a nearly inaudible sigh, he was rather cold._ Oh. My. God._He had to do something, anything. His first thought was to get him to Madam Pomfrey. Remus swore, he wished he knew the spell to move bodies, this was going to be a struggle. First though, he severed two strips of bed sheet tied them around Sirius' wrists. Then he gathered his strength and lifted Sirius into his arms. Luckily lessons would have started by now so there wouldn't be questions and stares.

Staggering down the stairs and across the common room, he struggled out of the portrait hole. Why was Sirius not wearing any trousers? It would be a bit awkward if he bumped into anyone. He tried not to stumble. It seemed like forever to reach the Hospital Wing, going through winding corridors and down flights of stairs, he nearly dropped Sirius a couple of times and heard a very quiet moan from the boy. He muttered hurried apologies to him and finally they reached their destination. Remus backed through the doors into the Wing and started yelling for Madam Pomfrey. She came hurrying out of her office at the urgency in his voice.

"Madam Pomfrey, I… he.." Remus started shaking as suddenly everything sunk in. One look at the figure in Remus' arms and she paled.  
"Over here Mr Lupin, hurry now." Remus strode over to the bed she was pointing at and lay Sirius down on it. Madam Pomfrey put up curtains and ushered Remus out.

"Tell your friends, they'll want to know. Don't come back til break. I'll have news by then." And she drew the curtains around her and the motionless boy.

Remus felt hot tears slip down his cheeks as he pelted to his first class. Everyone stared as he burst in.

"James, Peter... Professor, I need them, it's urgent." Remus choked out, his knees shook so much he had to hold on to the door.

"Of course Mr Lupin... go you two, I'll set you catch up work later." Slughorn motioned for them to go, looking slightly concerned at Remus' state.

The two Marauders hurried after their friend. Remus lead them to an empty classroom and started pacing.

"Remus what is it?"

"It's... Sirius."

"What's the bastard done now?! Shall I-" But James was cut off by Remus whirling round.

"James he's in the Hospital Wing! He... I think he tried to kill himself." As soon as he spoke the last word, he crumpled onto the floor and sobs wracked his body. James' voice was shaky when he spoke.

"Moony… Moony what happened?" He sat by the werewolf and rubbed his back trying to comfort him. Through his sobbing, Remus told him how he had found Sirius, covered in blood, that he knew where it had come from, that he'd been doing this for weeks and how he felt so bad that they had driven him that far.

"…But she won't let us in til break! Merlin, James, there might be no Sirius to visit!" He looked up with a tear streaked face to see James had gone white as a sheet. That can't be. He's lying. But something in the werewolf's look made him believe that this was no lie. This was the hard reality. Peter was rocking back and forth on a table with his hands in his hair.

"He came to me." James said suddenly. "Last night. I thought … I don't know what I thought… that maybe he was trying one of his apologies again or something... He came to me searching for help... and I just told him to f-fuck off… damn, look what I d-did!" He cried in Remus' shoulder.

"James… it's not your fault... you didn't know.." Remus tried to comfort James who was starting to hyperventilate. "Breathe ok? It won't help if you collapse too..." James tried taking deep breaths and slowly, his breathing came back under control.

The bell rang for break.

In a flash, the classroom was empty and the three Marauders were racing to the Hospital Wing.

They burst through the doors and were startled to see Regulus sat in a chair gazing at the far wall. In the bed next to him was Sirius, much paler than usual but had more colour in his cheeks than when Remus had last seen him. He was still unconscious, his wrists were bandaged and he was wearing pajamas that Madam Pomfrey provided on rare occasions.

"What are you doing here?" James snarled, marching forwards.

"I could ask the same, seeing as you disowned him as a friend."

James' face fell. A wave of guilty pleasure overtook him and felt like knives in his heart. Before he could answer though, Regulus spoke again.

"But as Remus brought him in, I won't. And what am I doing here? I'm his brother. I have a right."

"You hate him." Peter stated.

"No. I knew he should have told you… I said it would backfire, keeping secrets."

"What are you on about?!" James spluttered moving to perch on Sirius' bed.

"Ok. I think it's time to tell you, I always thought he should not put all his problems in one person. Well, Sirius and I are actually pretty close. At home… You know our parents views on non-Purebloods and blood traitors, etc? Well, every time our parents insulted Sirius' friends, being you guys, he would get very defensive and he would get punished very bad for talking back. Well, he gets punished for pretty much any little mistake… like when he forgot to take the rubbish out…" Regulus shook his head and pressed on. "He gets punished for defending you in front of his parents! Look.." He turned and moved the blanket off Sirius' body and lifted his pajama top. "Revealio." Marks appeared all across Sirius' chest. The three gasped. "These," Regulus pointed to three gash marks and heard a couple of intakes of breath, "are from the the day we got back from Hogwarts. Our father said he was getting bad attitude from you three and Sirius yelled at him. Said how it's not their choice who he's friends with." He took a deep breathe and carried on, the three boys were listening intently and looked shocked. "So, every time he would get hurt, I'd be there to do as best I could to heal him. We met up in Hogwarts, he would tell me his worries, and anything that he needed to let out. His nightmares, Remus, lately they were about you. Being executed for I don't even know what… but he said he had to make a choice. His nightmares used to be about me, our parents beating me for helping him, that's something he could never stand. So… anyway, he said Severus made him choose between you and me, Remus. That he would tell people how close we are if Sirius wouldn't tell him where you are sneaking off or something like that. I'm sorry he chose me, this wouldn't have happened otherwise and my parents wouldn't have _killed _me.." He trailed off. "This was probably his worst fear. That I'd get punished if our parents find out I'm helping him. That's why he used to have nightmares." He didn't seem to be content with his speech and looked up to the three again. "I'm bad at explaining, Sirius will do it better, but you get the jist?" Remus looked rather stunned.

Oh Merlin and look how we treated him? We made everything worse… We were… his only family…" James brushed a lock of hair out of his friend's face. "We should tell someone… make them stop!"

"James, have you seen our family and connections? Half of them_ are_the authorities! I told him to leave a few times but he wouldn't listen. He doesn't want me there on my own." Regulus sighed.

James' eyes zoomed all over his best mate's body as his heart suddenly seemed to stop and he gasped. It couldn't be. No. Please not… He backed away a bit and breathed fast.

Remus turned around. "James, what-?" But then he saw it too. There were letters in the middle of Sirius' thigh just below his pajama shorts, four small letters, cutted down deep in his flesh.

Slut.

Everyone in this room except of Regulus knew, why he had done this. Who had said this to him. James was close to fainting.

"Oh my god… Oh my god!" He felt the tears in his eyes again and held his breath. My fault, he thought. All my fault…

Regulus frowned and looked at James curious, but when he opened his mouth to ask, Remus shot him a "Please-just-don't-ask-look" and he shut it again.

"How is he?" Remus spoke, quietly, trying to digress from the subject.

"He lost a lot of blood, he was exhausted and we don't know if he was starving himself." Reg stated. James hissed and Remus cringed. Peter looked pale.

"He did." James' voice was shaking. "I know he did… it could've killed him!"

"Maybe this is exactly what he wanted." Regulus said. All of them looked horror-struck.

_I did this._ James thought. _My best friend, my brother, I nearly drove him to death._He looked down at the skinny sleeping form and felt his heart clench. James leant over the raven-haired boy and a tear dripped down his cheek, it splashed on Sirius' forehead.

"You're my brother Sirius and I'll always love you." James whispered in his ear.

"Mfhfhffmmff" Sirius mumbled and his eyes fluttered open.


	14. Frustration

The first thing Sirius thought when he came-to was that he had died and gone to Heaven. Why else would he see James' face this close, and with that expression? But then, he was evil, why would he have gone there? Only good people were sent to heaven. He was none of them.

"Am I dead?" Sirius managed to get out. His voice was not more than a whisper and his eyelids were fluttering. He just wanted to be sure, before he said anything else.

"No Sirius… you're not dead… I… Sirius I'm so sorry… Regulus explained everything…" James was struggling to talk through his tears, his voice was thick and breaking.

"He… wha… ?" Sirius looked down at himself and pulled his top back down. He felt his face heat up in shame. They had obviously been shown how weak he was. They weren't allowed to do this. He looked up with an empty expression.

"Sure I'm not dead?" His voice was shakily, he felt uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. The cuts in his arm seemed to have recovered, he looked up to his wrists and saw them bandaged in white strips. He frowned. James shot Remus a worried look.

"S-sirius? Is everything alright? If you don't feel good then just tell me and…" But Sirius wasn't listening. He had thrown off one bandage and tried to scratch his scars open. He didn't want them to be healed. He liked the feeling of the fresh, warm blood on his arm.

"Sirius! What the hell are you doing?!" James jumped and grabbed his wrist, a shocked look on his face. Remus got hold of his other one the instant as Sirius tried to work on it. He wanted to defend himself, get rid off them and scratch his arms open, he whined and rolled over, trying to escape the grips. "Lemme… leave me alone, I…"

James sobbed and looked at him. "Sirius, STOP THAT!"

"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed and growled, not giving a shit about shame, or the scars, or anything. James cringed. Madam Pomfrey hurried out of her office, a horrified look on her face. She muttered a spell at Sirius and he suddenly stopped rolling around, gasping. He calmed down completely, his eyes zooming around the ceiling of the hospital wing. Eventually his eyes shut and he lay completely still, blood trickling down his wrists.

James collapsed on the floor, crying and sobbing, and Remus slowly sat down beneath him and hugged him tightly. Peter looked stunned. Finally Regulus spoke, who was quickly wiping some tears off his face. His voice was broken.

"You… you were his only family. Except of me, but I'm not always there." He sat down on Sirius' bed and stroked his hair back, holding back a quiet sob. "When he started all these things, his only fear was always that you would leave him. That he would end up having no friends at all. You can't imagine how much you mean to him… although he puts all his worries in me, he just didn't tell you because he didn't want you to fuss." He stopped and looked to the others, who were listening with big eyes. "He really, really loves you. And I'm sure he just… did that because… he couldn't imagine living without you. He doesn't know you forgave him… if you did."

They all said nothing, James crying and sobbing, Remus stroking his mate's back quietly and trying to soothe him, Peter gulping and looking on the ground. None of them could find words worth enough for this situation.

They had nearly driven him to death, his friends, his own family, like Regulus had explained. He was their brother in everything but blood, they loved him. And now he laid there, hopefully not dreaming, breathing calmly after he had just made sure he wanted to die. To die, to not live anymore. To leave his family… after they had left him. There was something in James' throat that blocked his breathing, made him count his in and exhales to keep him alive.

They sat there quietly until a very upset Madam Pomfrey sent them away, telling them to get some sleep. Nobody moved first, tiredness had overcome them but when they finally all lay in their warm, comforting beds, it was sure that nobody would find rest at all.


	15. Calming down

**Here's the last bit, hope you like the new one.**

The first thing Sirius thought when he woke up the next morning and noticed the sunlight shining through the windows of the Hospital wing was that he would probably be late for class. He growled but it came more as a whisper. The next thing he noticed was the voices. They seemed to be stuck in his head, coming from everywhere and nowhere, firstly rather quiet but with increasing volume. It was very, very uncomfortable and he wanted to tell them to shut up. But then he recognized one special voice that made him stop in his breath. Moony.

"I think he's waking up. Should we call Madam Pomfrey? I don't know how he will be after that stuff she did with his body last evening…"

"Don't, I'm sure he wouldn't want more fuss. Let's just wait, maybe he can't even remember what he had tried to do."

Was that Regulus? What was he doing here? And what the hell shouldn't he remember of "last evening"? He slowly turned his head around and suddenly noticed e a quiet sob that made his heart break. James was here. James was here, at his side and he was… crying. Why was he crying? James shouldn't cry, someone should stop him, make his life good again. He slowly reached out a hand and mumbled his name, the only thing he could do right now without opening his eyes.

"Prongs…"

James' eyes widened, he suppressed another sob and looked at his brother. Did he just…? But when Sirius spoke again, his heart skipped a beat.

"Don' cry, Prongs… m'fine…"

"Sirius, are... are you awake?" His voice was trembling, he fought with the tears. Remus, Peter and Regulus fell quiet the instant, watching their friend with big eyes. Sirius didn't find the power to nod, so he just hummed a quiet "mmm" and made a hardly noticeable movement with his hand – James understood and took his hand as Sirius squeezed it tightly. It felt like the world, and James had to swallow hard a few times to not start crying again.

"Oh Sirius… I love you so much, so so so much, and I'm so sorry for what I have done, I can't tell you how bad I feel for all this, I didn't know all those things and I thought- I don't know what I thought, just never wanted to hurt you, never, I know I've been a complete asshole and everything and I don't even know if I can ask you to forgive me now but I love you, okay, I just love you and I hope you realize that because you won't hear that from me very often and-"

"James." Remus' voice was soft, not angry but a bit concerned. "Let him wake up before you talk holes into him, would you?"

James exhaled sharply and closed his eyes, nodding. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Sirius' voice made them all look up. James quickly took his hand away but Sirius grabbed it tightly so he had to keep it where it was. He slowly opened his eyes and closed it again, moaning at the bright sunlight.

Remus frowned. "Can you shut the curtains, Regulus?" He asked, quietly, and Sirius' brother quickly pulled them closed.

"It's okay, Sirius, you can look." He nodded and opened his eyes again, sighing. He was in a bed in the Hospital wing, now he could remember. His best mate was kneeling in front of the bed, right near his face, and holding his hand. The rest - Remus, Peter and, for some reason, Reg, were standing a bit behind. But the strangest of all was that they were all smiling. After a period of silence, Remus cleared his throat and spoke.

"How are you?"

Sirius frowned. "Dunno"

They suddenly all looked away from him. It didn't feel good, he didn't want them to look away.

"Don't look away" It was the only thing he could manage to get out, but it worked. They lifted their heads again and smiled at each other weakly. Sirius felt sticky and struggled himself out of the covers. His whole body ached: head, chest, arms, and wrists. He slowly ripped his shirt open (his and James' hands parted again) and let his eyes wander over his body. There were bandages on his wrists, the curse wounds didn't look as bad as normal and his scars on both arms were healed. And then, suddenly, his eyes widened in shock as he realized why he could see all this: somebody had removed the concealing charms. He looked up and felt himself blush in shame.

"I… that…" He looked around in search of his wand as his brother let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I had to. Madam Pomfrey healed all your injuries, and therefore had to see everything."

But seeing his reaction to finding himself in this state Regulus was thoughtful enough to take his wand and put the charm back on. James seemed to have calmed down a bit again and put a comforting hand on Sirius shoulder. Sirius tensed for a moment but then relaxed.

"You aren't weak Sirius, you're not evil either, I promise you… we, we were just angry and betrayed, especially Moony, but we didn't give you a chance to explain." He gulped, feeling extremely guilty.

"But you wouldn't have told us the truth anyway, would you?" Remus said quietly. He closed his eyes and opened them again, searching for the right words. "Sirius I'm sorry. I really am so very sorry." Sirius made to sit up but felt a bit dizzy so stayed half propped on his elbows. Remus bent down and gave him an awkward hug. Sirius was feeling very overwhelmed at this point and was struggling to think straight. Probably from the, now smaller, lack of blood.

"I'm sorry I was a bad friend.." He mumbled, thinking he should apologise for the umpteenth time, as well.

"You weren't, Sirius. Choosing me would have made you a bad brother... and thinking of what you thought your parents would do with Regulus when they found out about you two… it wasn't an easy choice." Remus sat by Sirius while James played with the sheets about half way down the bed. Sirius lay back again and tried to take all this in. They forgave him? And they were saying sorry? Sirius wondered what he had done to deserve this…

Then he remembered something. "How did I.."

"That would be me… I found you... like you were.." Remus cringed slightly at the memory.

"Yesterday… morning?" Remus nodded. "And you got me here?" He nodded again. "Before you knew the whole story?"

"Yes Sirius. As much as I hated the fact you told Severus, I never hated you. I could never hate you." He gulped and looked away. Sirius stared at the opposite wall, trying to think something, anything.

"I didn't hate you either Sirius, I was just angry." James confessed, voice trembling.

"And me…" Peter contributed. Sirius couldn't help himself: As much he was happy he had his friends back, he still felt a bit… well, what? Disappointed? Angry? Upset? The fact of them watching him fall apart and not doing nothing at all… They were his friends. His family. But now was not the time to dwell in this thought, because he had them back. It was all he could ask for.

Madam Pomfrey took that moment to come and fuss over Sirius, giving him a couple of potions and checking him over. The others were made to wait, out of the way, until she was finished. He was told he would have to stay overnight again, but he would be okay to leave the next morning. She also insisted he needed to talk to someone who knew how to deal with his state of mind.

Regulus came over to tell Sirius that he better be going or the other Slytherins would get suspicious. But also warned his brother to tell the truth. Sirius nodded, it wasn't like he had anything to hide now. Regulus left and James started sprouting a stream of questions. Sirius sat up in bed, and folded his legs to make room for Remus and James who both sat on it, facing him. Peter sat listening on a chair next to the bed.

"Wait, slow down a bit, what was the first one?" He asked an impatient James.

"What was the meeting on the train with Lucius about? What did he really mean? 'Painful enough'?" Sirius shifted uncomfortably but proceeded to answer his friend.

"Erm... so the Malfoys came over for dinner, the day we got back. Me, Reg and Lucius were sat in the living room and he started doing his usual provoking and name calling. I was still rather wound up from father earlier so I was gunna make him shut up, but then we got called for food." Sirius sighed but carried on. "So... I went and got some stink sap and er, put it in his soup. Anyway, the result was a hacking Malfoy and erm…" He really didn't want to tell them.

"Sirius?" Remus asked encouragingly.

"Father let Lucius' dad… crucio me" He mumbled.

"HE WHAT?" James screeched. Sirius flinched and James lowered his voice a bit, in fear of an angry Madam Pomfrey. Remus put a hand on James shoulder and gave Sirius a very concerned look.

"It's months ago now... but Regulus said I was under for about five minutes I think. I started hallucinating for a bit but… it stopped when Reg came in. I'm fine now." Sirius tried to reassure a fuming James and a shaken Remus. Peter just stared, waiting for more.

"How long has this abuse and things been going on for?" James tried to keep his voice steady, but the image of Sirius in searing pain made his voice crack and a fresh tear formed in his eye.

"Since… I think since I was about.. 6?" Sirius said thoughtfully. "I just got used to it, and, in the end, I needed it. Remus, that's why I do this. " He waved his arms. "It became a constant in my life, the pain. Does that sound silly? That it felt good?" He looked at Remus for reassurance that he wasn't sounding stupid. The honey eyed boy gave Sirius a curious but understanding look. Sirius decided not to tell James about his leg, not yet, maybe never. It wouldn't help anything.

"Why haven't you told anyone about your parents?" Remus asked. Sirius half wished Regulus was still here, he could help explain everything.

"I can't... uh.." He thought about to phrase his explanation. "They have connections, if the Ministry or anyone was to find out, people who know my parents would cover for them... and plus, they would win the court case and stuff… it's complicated ok? But I can't tell anyone. And if I did, it would end badly." After a moments thought he felt he had got his point across successfully. Remus and James were exchanging looks. Then something else popped into Sirius' mind.

"They burnt the presents you sent me. Every year... and I was never allowed to buy anything nice, even for you guys, and I didn't get any other gifts except ones that Reg snuck me… so… I'm sorry I lied… about everything… it wasn't fair on you." Sirius finished and was flattened to the mattress by a flying mass of James. He clung onto Sirius like a limpet. Sirius cricked his neck round to look at his best friend.

"You alright?" Sirius asked softly.

"I feel so terrible...and then how we treated you..." James mumbled into Sirius' neck. He felt fresh warm tears seep into his pajama top.

"Is it your time of the month mate?" Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood. "C'mon, turn off the fountain...you'll get me all wet…" James let out a wet laugh and Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Just…" James sat back up, wiped his face on his sleeve and re-adjusted his glasses. "Just there's something else." He shot Remus a helpless look and Sirius frowned.

"Spit it out mate, it won't make anything better to hide things now."

James nodded, breathed deeply and looked at him, his voice was shaking as he spoke. "I… saw… that thing. On your leg." Sirius' heart nearly skipped a beat.

"I… Oh." He bit his lip. _Shit._

His best friend looked as though he felt guilty for being the reason of the global warming. "I can't tell you how sorry I am… I never… I didn't want to hurt you, Sirius, I've just… been angry and… hurt too and I… oh god you have to hate me." He buried his face in his hands and let out a quiet sob, his whole body shaking. Sirius leaned forward and clenched his teeth as the pain shot through his chest, but he ignored it and hugged James tightly.

"Shh… it's okay. It's okay because you didn't know, you couldn't know. I don't blame you, James… I'm just happy enough to have you all on my side again." He trailed off, looking up to Moony with his best friend in his arm. He smiled at him with a 'It's-okay' look and Sirius' heart jumped a bit. They had really forgiven him.

James finally pulled away from him and wiped his nose, trying to push away the guilt in his heart. "You need to eat more… you're all bone.." He mumbled. Sirius looked down and nodded.

"I'll try, I promise... but it isn't gunna happen overnight… and I still have to go back home. Isn't like I get a feast there…" James sighed.

"Why don't you just run away Sirius? Just leave it all behind, come and live with? My mum and dad would love to have you." James insisted. Sirius just shook his head.

"I couldn't Prongs..." He waited a moment, liking the feel of the name in his mouth again. "I couldn't leave Regulus, not with them… not on his own… They hurt him too, sometimes, when he misbehaves. He doesn't do it often though… but I hate what they do when he does. He had a black eye for a week once..." Sirius trailed off, staring into space. Remus sighed.

"There has to be something you can do?" He asked. Sirius nodded.

"I cover for him sometimes, when I'm in the right place at the right time… but he can't for me because my parents just blame me anyway… so, I can't leave him there. And before you ask, no, he wouldn't leave, We may be brothers, but his beliefs are different to mine... not pure Slytherin… but close enough." Sirius closed his eyes. He was tired… maybe it was one of the potions he had been given.

He heard James mutter something to the others and there was a pattering of feet, the sound of a door and a scraping of a chair. Cracking an eye open, Sirius turned his head to see James now sitting in the chair by his bed, the other appeared to have gone.

"I'm not going anywhere Sirius, not again, not ever. James said defiantly. Sirius just nodded wearily with a smile and closed his eyes again.

When he woke the next morning, he found James curled up beside him. Sirius sighed in relief. For a moment he thought it might have been a dream. He looked at the sleeping figure next to him and smiled. Giving James a gentle nudge, he propped himself up on his elbows. James yawned and blink at Sirius though sleepy eyes.

"Hey… how you feeling?" James asked groggily, there were indents on his face from his glasses and Sirius couldn't help but smile.

"Better than Sunday…" James nodded. "Do you think you'll make it to breakfast?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll be fine." James sat up and picked up a pile of clothes from the floor.

"Madam Pomfrey had them cleaned…" James placed Sirius' uniform on the bed and rolled off it. He drew the curtains around the bed and waited outside them. Sirius managed to get out of the pyjamas and into his uniform without much of a struggle. Madam Pomfrey came for one last check up and grudgingly dismissed him. Sirius and James met Remus and Peter outside the Great Hall.

"Alright?" Remus asked him anxiously, before they entered. Sirius nodded and they went through the doors. Sirius caught his brother's eye briefly on the way to their table. Regulus gave him a small smile which was the best he could manage considering he was surrounded by Slytherins. The news of his visit to the Wing had spread fast. And rumours of Remus getting Sirius there, were also circling, as well as many others. Some girls came up to Sirius while he was trying to get himself to eat bacon and eggs and toast, which was proving a little more difficult than he thought. They asked questions and gave him gifts and swooned over him. Seeing his expression, James shooed them away to leave Sirius in peace. People did stare at him, and he did hear whispers, but, he decided, he could cope with this as long as he had his friends there by his side.

His family, his real family.


End file.
